Episode 20 - Embracing Himself Unapologetically with Caleb Ledford
I have been wanting to have this conversation with my youngest brother Caleb for a while. He and I are 16 years apart in years, but have a lot in common despite that age gap.
For the first 4 years of his life he and I spent a ton of time together, and he with my friends. He thought it was normal for toddlers to hang out with 17 year olds. When I transferred to Washington State University from the local community college at age 20, things changed dramatically for him in his day to day life.
We grew up in a house that had very specific gendered ideas of what was appropriate for girls versus what was appropriate for boys, affected by our parents’ ideas, the Mormon church’s ideas, and the culture on the playground’s ideas in general….to feel, to aspire to, to be involved in, to act out, etc. If we had characteristics in ourselves that were in conflict with that ideal, they were not only met with resistance, but downright disdain in some cases.
Caleb was a great athlete and incredibly intelligent. But he was also very tender hearted, feeling, and empathetic. He learned early on that the second group of characteristics was not going to be embraced or celebrated. That, along with some other very impactful occurrences in his young elementary years, created in him a very angry little boy. We talk in depth about how no one ever asked him why he was angry, just sent him into the consequences that went with displaying that. Until he got to 4th grade, when his teacher that year showed genuine concern and curiosity as to what was behind this and offered him some different tools on how he could process and handle it. That had a huge effect on Caleb, and may have saved him in many ways. How many young children never find anyone who’s willing to ask those questions, and end up in tragedies like we saw once again play out in the hallways of a Michigan high school last week? We have to in our homes, in our classrooms, on the playground, in our churches, after school youth programs, all the places, start asking why young children are acting out and help them process that, rather than just handing them a consequence for acting out.
Once Caleb became a Father, and had a son of his own, he was pretty terrified. He saw in this little boy many of these same kind hearted, empathetic characteristics he himself had, and how would he guide and embrace those in a world that is still not always ready to see that in a little boy? That “fear” he felt has driven him to have intentional conversations that encourage his son to feel safe living out and feeling all parts of himself, that they are all important and worth celebration, and that there’s nothing more important than being a kind empathetic human. This has led him on a journey of fathering both his children, son and daughter, in embracing all the parts of themselves that make them who they are, feeling and processing through all of their feelings and emotions; all while he learns to celebrate and embrace his layers, rather than feeling disdain or dislike towards any parts of himself. We talk about the importance his partner Kendra has played in his life, understanding and loving all the parts of him, and knowing him and how to communicate with him, as he’s learning to love and communicate with himself. We talk about the difficulties we both had with our Dad growing up, but how as adults we understand better how his background and upbringing contributed to that.
We see his willingness to learn, and grow, and change, and are encouraged by his journey in facing the things in himself that need healing. We talk about expectations, and how learning to live by his own rather than others’ is showing signs of him being able to live in a space where he feels content and the most true to himself. This was a very moving conversation for me to have with my “baby brother” as we address so many of the challenges family dynamics and patterns can present, and how we can navigate those to become the best versions of ourselves in that process. It was also a very timely conversation of the discussions we need to be having with our children if we’re ever to move into spaces where all children feel safe, heard, and known. I hope you’ll join us in the finale of our relationship series and season 1 of The F.E.E.L Podcast.