Reflections on my own story - Episode 10 Blog in response to Episode 9 with Stephanie Hunter

When Stephanie and I recorded her episode in early September, she felt inspired to share her whole story as she felt compelled that someone needed to hear it. What she and I did not realize that day was that at least one of those that needed to hear it was me.

My story is not the same as Stephanie’s, but what resonated with me is how exposing the secret abusive life she was living had tremendous holistic health effects that could not be healed until exposing the darkness to the light. My “secret” is only a secret to some, but when I tried to talk to my parents and a trusted church Bishop about it some 32 years ago, I was told by one how disappointed they were, how they wish I’d never told them and how it sullied their view of me, and by the other of all the hoops I had to jump through publically to be deemed clean and worthy again. Furthermore, I would still however have to confess to my future husband some day that he would not be my “first”, and that might make me unacceptable to him. It wasn’t enough to confess to God, and ask for forgiveness. My sin was too dirty for that. I’ve since realized my parents were operating from their own hurts, and I long ago left the Mormon Church. But that doesn’t lessen the damage those words have done to me.

The truth is that no matter the intent, their words and actions cemented my worst fears, that I would be judged and deemed dirty if I exposed this. So, I continued to keep this secret from any Mormon or Christian friend that I feared would think of me similarly as my parents and Bishop. 

I was 20 years old when I went to these people, hoping to find consolation, unconditional love, and support as I sorted through a relationship that I knew was a terrible mistake, not for the sexual nature itself, but because of the reasons for the sexual nature and the unhealthy emotional manipulation that was occurring in it. Instead I found condemnation and disappointment, and years of determining who I could trust with this information and who I couldn’t. And keeping a secret of any form brings on feelings of shame and self loathing when you don’t trust it is safe and too shameful to expose it to the light.

This has led to years of never truly forgiving myself for this 3 ½ year period, and a misguided idea of what healthy intimacy should look like. Not to mention anxiety relating to performance for value and codependent relationships.

You see I didn’t land in this relationship without years of being sent the message that I must perform to be loved and accepted….in my family, in the Mormon Church, in what my Christian friends were taught as well.  The narrative was that only certain kinds of behavior allowed you to be lovable, and fear was used to keep you away from those “unloveable” behaviors rather than telling you how intrinsically valuable you are as a boy or girl. 

That either one is not the boss of or valued more than the other, that God isn’t only Father, but Mother, Sister, Brother, Auntie, anything you need God to be in that moment.  After all, both male and female are made in God’s image, so that should be enough to tell us that God is not just Father, but that’s not what we’re taught. 

What if we were all taught and modeled how to live out of that intrinsic value so that we feel worth and loved for who we are, not what we do. Then how much better equipped would we be to make relationship decisions based on how much we value ourselves rather than feeling like we must perform a certain way to be acceptable for fear of disappointing and not being worthy.  

Purity culture and fear based rhetoric from the pulpit have done a number on generations of women, and is one of the greatest failures of religion and church, along with the different set of “purity” standards/responsibilities heaped on girls with little to none of that responsibility applied to boys. But God help the boys who show any sensitivity or vulnerability. That certainly doesn’t work with the rhetoric this culture is slinging.

This was the training ground for me landing in this unhealthy relationship. The difference between this relationship and others before it was that my performance in previous ones involved “good” deeds (good grades, winning in athletics, singing well, helping family, etc). For this new relationship it involved performing in a way that was deemed “dirty” by the voices around me, but was nevertheless necessary to be acceptable in this relationship.

I had been groomed to be acceptable in relationships, and this was not exposed for the problem that it was until performing “unacceptably” was the requirement.

What someone’s intention is should not be a determinant on whether it did harm. Too many times we don’t do the healing work we need to do because we know the inflictor didn’t mean to. So because we don’t want others to feel bad we talk ourselves into thinking we’re making a big deal out of nothing, and the trauma never gets dealt with and healed, but just continues to harm us. I know that my lack of healing when raising our daughters did damage to them. That was never my intent, but that doesn’t mean it did not occur. 

So I’m exposing the secret….I was in a very unhealthy, emotionally and sexually manipulative relationship from age 18-21. The sexual portion was the biggest secret because that’s what I was told would make me “dirty”. Sadly, my culture wasn’t as nearly concerned about the emotionally abusive portion, which was every bit as damaging, if not more. When “patriarchs” are lifted up as “leaders” or “heads” of households, giving power God never intended to one sex over the other, a lot of power manipulations and abuses are “overlooked”. Brady, my husband was not my first sexual experience, and no amount of shame will change that. It doesn't make me less forgivable, less valuable, or less worthy of being unconditionally loved.

I tell this story not only to expose my own “partial” secret, but to hopefully inspire others to do the same. Your whole self cannot heal until it is all exposed to the light, and those relationships that are truly worth having will still be there after the secret is brought to light. People that truly love you want you to be your best, most healed self, and the God I know wants me to be accountable, but never wants me to feel shamed, unworthy, unloveable, or unforgivable.

Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!