Episode 10 - Weaponized Gratitude - What is it and When Does it Appear?
By Jessica Garrison
I’ve been wondering for a few days how I was going to start this blog because there’s just so much to say about weaponized gratitude. I could tell stories for hours about being both a victim and a perpetrator in this, and everyone on this week’s episode agreed that there could be several episodes about this. In this episode, Melissa Crook, Charlotte Feehan, Abby Bekele, and I discuss where weaponized gratitude shows up, how it affects people, and what exactly the term means.
If you’re confused by the phrase, weaponized gratitude is the act of making someone feel guilty for not feeling grateful, and using gratitude as a way of diminishing other feelings that someone may be experiencing. I’ve known about this feeling and these experiences for a while, but I never had a word to use for it. I, like many others, have been dealing with this for years. Growing up, I had felt so guilty. How could I possibly complain about little things going wrong in my life when other people in the world have it so much worse than me? It’s been a process to unlearn the invalidation that’s been burned into my brain, but being able to speak to others about similar situations has really opened my eyes to how often this happens to people.
Charlotte opens up about experiences with her grandmother who has a “different attitude about gratitude.” I’ve definitely seen weaponized gratitude show up more so in the older generation rather than the younger, as Charlotte describes. She brings up an interesting point that I’ve never thought of before: weaponized gratitude shows up overwhelmingly in faith related situations. She mentions this while talking about her grandmother, and how she accuses her of not being grateful for what God has given her. This is a tricky situation because as she describes, of course she’s grateful. She never said she wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t feel a certain type of way about something. You can feel proud of yourself for accomplishing a task, while still being dissatisfied that there’s more progress to make. It’s possible to feel more than one emotion at a time.
Abby describes how she’s seen weaponized gratitude show up in the workplace. Being a minority in the corporate world is full of this practice. People want her to be thankful for being in the position she’s in. Abby expressed eternal gratitude for being able to do what she loves and be around others who are similar to her, but she also worked hard to get there. She should get the treatment she deserves, as should her coworkers, rather than settling because she’s lucky to be in her position at all. You still have to fight for what you want, for what you deserve, and for what you’re worth. People throwing it in your face that you should be grateful for what you have aren’t looking at the big picture, and without it, it’s easy to get taken advantage of.
During this episode, I discuss my major feelings of guilt when the COVID-19 pandemic started. Millions of people were sick or dying. Meanwhile, my family was perfectly healthy; we didn’t have the struggles that other people had during those times. However, I still found myself to be severely depressed in quarantine. I thought I was a terrible person because I had feelings of stress and sadness during a time where so many others had it worse than me. It was difficult to deal with these feelings; I didn’t even want to say them out loud for the fear that someone would throw in my face how lucky I was to be in my situation. I was very thankful—I still am. But that doesn’t mean I can’t feel upset or angry at what was happening. I’m glad I had this opportunity to openly discuss these emotions and have others say they have been in my shoes as well.
I never would’ve imagined projecting these feelings and thoughts out to the world, but it was refreshing to hear what everyone brought to the table. Weaponized gratitude shows up in so many situations, but I think the most important thing to remember is your feelings are completely valid. You can feel more than one emotion at a time, and that is what makes us such wonderful, complex human beings.