Episode 7 - Loving Our Complex Layers with Dr. Bernadine Waller
By Jessica Garrison
Our guest for this week’s episode is a very accomplished scholar, working at Adelphi University for 14 years and currently working as a research fellow at Columbia University in New York City. Dr. Bernadine Waller (or Dr. Bern, as she is often called) offers so much great advice and intelligence as she goes through the F.E.E.L podcast talking points with Melissa.
Her self care goal is to keep herself whole and healthy enough to help others, describing herself as a natural caregiver. She also says how important it is for her to invite God into her life, being protective of her Sundays and allowing Him to be part of everything she does. Dr. Bern says that “self care is a journey,” which we have covered extensively on the podcast. What nourishes you in one season may not nourish you in another, and it’s okay to evolve with your needs.
I found one of the most interesting parts of the episode to be when Dr. Bern describes her boundaries and how she puts them in place. Her PhD is in social work, which can be a difficult field to be able to set boundaries in. It can wear on your mind and your body quite often, and her biggest wakeup call came when she was diagnosed with a noncancerous tumor, which usually shows up in people twice her age. When it comes to becoming better at setting boundaries, she says, “it should not take a life-altering health challenge for us to do that.” This reminds me of our Clay Health episode with its founder, Sera, who experienced a health crisis that made her chase after what she really wanted from life. It seems to be a pattern that women continue to work themselves so harshly until, like Dr. Bern says, a major medical crisis takes place. She couldn’t be more right; it shouldn’t take something like that to change your perspective, especially because you may not get the chance to change things afterward. It’s scary to think about, but hopefully her stories and advice can help everyone move forward towards their true goals before it’s too late.
The order that Dr. Bern takes care of herself is her spiritual health first, then her mental, then her physical. If she follows this order, then everything else seems to fall into place, though that may not be the same for everyone. She is a big believer in both Jesus and therapy, rather than only relying on her faith to keep her mental health in the right place. It’s okay to ask for help from mental health professionals—that’s what they’re there for, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Another thing she does to take care of her mental health as much as her physical health is to allow herself to enjoy things. Although her work is important and means a lot to her, she doesn’t let it take over her life; she’s allowed to enjoy things in her downtime that don’t relate to work.
There was another part of this episode that I absolutely loved, and it’s when Dr. Bern is talking about her values and how she sees herself. She used to always seek approval from others, especially in high school when the boys didn’t want to go out with her. She thought she wasn’t good enough, and it might be because of her dark skin or impurities that she found in herself. But as she got older, she learned to affirm herself and accept how “perfectly imperfect” she was. All of the things she used to hate when she was younger are the things that make her who she is now, and that’s a really special point of view to have. She compares it by using the example of a wound and a scar. There's a huge difference between them. Wounds take time to heal, but you need to expose them once in a while to be able to allow it to heal properly; the same goes for our hurt on the inside. If you keep it tucked away forever, it will take longer to heal, and it won’t heal the same way if you allowed it to show itself every now and then. At first when she was describing this, I was thinking to myself, where is she going with this? But once she finished, it all made sense. That’s why she is The Dr. Bern—emphasis on everything.
I truly didn’t even scratch the surface with this blog in comparison to the episode. The way Dr. Bern speaks about her life, helping others, and all of her knowledge is one of the most eye opening things ever. Listening to her during this episode was life changing, and I hope we can have her back as a guest someday to share more stories.