Episode 6 - Moving Forward from Loss Through Self-Care with June K. Collins
By Jessica Garrison
This week’s episode is a bit different from previous since it has a topic we haven’t spoken about before, nor do we usually see it discussed in a public forum. Melissa is joined by June K. Collins, author of Momma, You Don’t Heal, who wrote the book about her struggles with losing a child. October is Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month, and we’re happy to be able to help June tell her story.
June never really believed in self-care until 2012, when her life changed forever. As anyone can imagine, it took a while for June to be able to come back from her loss, and she had to discover how to do that. She has a routine now where she wakes up early every day and reminisces. This is her alone, quiet time to think about memories of the past, what’s going on in the present, and what she wants out of the future. Good memories still live inside her, and she’s able to live in those in the early hours of the morning. Without self-care, June can see the difference in her attitude. Whenever triggers pop up in her life, she also likes to reflect on what is making her feel that way. She asks herself, “Why am I feeling this way?” and tries to get to the root of the problem.
As June explains, a child dying is not natural to us. It’s a complicated experience that has to have boundaries in place in order to heal. June says that after her son passed away, she didn’t have the capacity to deal with toxic people and chose to cut them out of her life. She reminds us that it isn’t selfish if you don’t do the things you don’t want to do. Save time for what you actually want to do, and you see the reward come through in your energy and attitude.
June talks in detail throughout the episode about her triggers, and this is tied into her emotional and physical health. An example she used is a time when she was in the grocery store and saw a woman yelling at her child. She thought how lucky they were to have their child, and she would do anything to have hers back. Understandably, there was a lot of anger in June’s life, and she had to work that out in order for her to move forward. This led her to discovering her self-care routine of reflecting upon why she feels a certain way and working towards the actual issue, rather than just what’s seen on the outside.
The passing of June’s child came when she was only 31 years old, and she knew she didn’t want to feel that constant heartache and pain forever. The idea of group therapy freaked her out—as an introvert myself, I can understand why. However, she did find what worked for her, which was speaking with someone one-on-one. June also educated herself on psychology and understanding the loss of her child, and she wanted to use what she learned to help others. She felt like some people in her life wanted her to “get over” the loss of her son. She expressed that just because he’s gone, he still lives in her life every day through her memory, which is such a special connection. He lives through the legacy she’s creating, and, in turn, creating one for him as well.
After her son died, June was upset that there were people in her life that weren’t there for her that she thought would be. She needed to surround herself with those who continually support her, so she could support herself and other women who have a similar story. Women tend to feel guilty in any aspect of their lives, and this is just amplified with the loss of a child. Women may feel that even though they were 5 weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage that they shouldn’t feel sadness because they never physically met their child. However, there are no limitations when it comes to grief. The loss of anyone in your life warrants whatever reaction you feel it warrants.
June gives an example during the episode that perfectly describes how she feels. If you break a flower pot and then try to fix it, it still remains cracked. You can glue the pieces back together, paint it, decorate it, and make the outside look like it was never broken. However, if you look on the inside of the flower pot, you can still see all the cracks. She knows how to pick herself back up, but the scars are still there and the hurt still exists on the inside.
Since the loss of her son, June has had another child and continues to thrive for her. She had a lot of anxiety with her pregnancy because of the troubles during her first one; she didn’t want to have similar results. June works through her struggles everyday and reminds herself that “it’s gonna be okay.” June’s strength and perseverance are impressive, especially since she has turned her grief into a way to help others. You can check out her resources on the Embracing Layers website and also check out her book to continue keeping up with her story.
Ways to Engage: What emotions came up while reading the blog and listening to the episode? Taking a page from June, reflect upon those emotions. Break down where they’re really coming from, other than just the sadness of a child passing away. Let’s dig deep and feel our emotions together.