Reflections on my own story - Episode 10 Blog in response to Episode 9 with Stephanie Hunter
When Stephanie and I recorded her episode in early September, she felt inspired to share her whole story as she felt compelled that someone needed to hear it. What she and I did not realize that day was that at least one of those that needed to hear it was me.
My story is not the same as Stephanie’s, but what resonated with me is how exposing the secret abusive life she was living had tremendous holistic health effects that could not be healed until exposing the darkness to the light. My “secret” is only a secret to some, but when I tried to talk to my parents and a trusted church Bishop about it some 32 years ago, I was told by one how disappointed they were, how they wish I’d never told them and how it sullied their view of me, and by the other of all the hoops I had to jump through publically to be deemed clean and worthy again. Furthermore, I would still however have to confess to my future husband some day that he would not be my “first”, and that might make me unacceptable to him. It wasn’t enough to confess to God, and ask for forgiveness. My sin was too dirty for that. I’ve since realized my parents were operating from their own hurts, and I long ago left the Mormon Church. But that doesn’t lessen the damage those words have done to me.
The truth is that no matter the intent, their words and actions cemented my worst fears, that I would be judged and deemed dirty if I exposed this. So, I continued to keep this secret from any Mormon or Christian friend that I feared would think of me similarly as my parents and Bishop.
I was 20 years old when I went to these people, hoping to find consolation, unconditional love, and support as I sorted through a relationship that I knew was a terrible mistake, not for the sexual nature itself, but because of the reasons for the sexual nature and the unhealthy emotional manipulation that was occurring in it. Instead I found condemnation and disappointment, and years of determining who I could trust with this information and who I couldn’t. And keeping a secret of any form brings on feelings of shame and self loathing when you don’t trust it is safe and too shameful to expose it to the light.
This has led to years of never truly forgiving myself for this 3 ½ year period, and a misguided idea of what healthy intimacy should look like. Not to mention anxiety relating to performance for value and codependent relationships.
You see I didn’t land in this relationship without years of being sent the message that I must perform to be loved and accepted….in my family, in the Mormon Church, in what my Christian friends were taught as well. The narrative was that only certain kinds of behavior allowed you to be lovable, and fear was used to keep you away from those “unloveable” behaviors rather than telling you how intrinsically valuable you are as a boy or girl.
That either one is not the boss of or valued more than the other, that God isn’t only Father, but Mother, Sister, Brother, Auntie, anything you need God to be in that moment. After all, both male and female are made in God’s image, so that should be enough to tell us that God is not just Father, but that’s not what we’re taught.
What if we were all taught and modeled how to live out of that intrinsic value so that we feel worth and loved for who we are, not what we do. Then how much better equipped would we be to make relationship decisions based on how much we value ourselves rather than feeling like we must perform a certain way to be acceptable for fear of disappointing and not being worthy.
Purity culture and fear based rhetoric from the pulpit have done a number on generations of women, and is one of the greatest failures of religion and church, along with the different set of “purity” standards/responsibilities heaped on girls with little to none of that responsibility applied to boys. But God help the boys who show any sensitivity or vulnerability. That certainly doesn’t work with the rhetoric this culture is slinging.
This was the training ground for me landing in this unhealthy relationship. The difference between this relationship and others before it was that my performance in previous ones involved “good” deeds (good grades, winning in athletics, singing well, helping family, etc). For this new relationship it involved performing in a way that was deemed “dirty” by the voices around me, but was nevertheless necessary to be acceptable in this relationship.
I had been groomed to be acceptable in relationships, and this was not exposed for the problem that it was until performing “unacceptably” was the requirement.
What someone’s intention is should not be a determinant on whether it did harm. Too many times we don’t do the healing work we need to do because we know the inflictor didn’t mean to. So because we don’t want others to feel bad we talk ourselves into thinking we’re making a big deal out of nothing, and the trauma never gets dealt with and healed, but just continues to harm us. I know that my lack of healing when raising our daughters did damage to them. That was never my intent, but that doesn’t mean it did not occur.
So I’m exposing the secret….I was in a very unhealthy, emotionally and sexually manipulative relationship from age 18-21. The sexual portion was the biggest secret because that’s what I was told would make me “dirty”. Sadly, my culture wasn’t as nearly concerned about the emotionally abusive portion, which was every bit as damaging, if not more. When “patriarchs” are lifted up as “leaders” or “heads” of households, giving power God never intended to one sex over the other, a lot of power manipulations and abuses are “overlooked”. Brady, my husband was not my first sexual experience, and no amount of shame will change that. It doesn't make me less forgivable, less valuable, or less worthy of being unconditionally loved.
I tell this story not only to expose my own “partial” secret, but to hopefully inspire others to do the same. Your whole self cannot heal until it is all exposed to the light, and those relationships that are truly worth having will still be there after the secret is brought to light. People that truly love you want you to be your best, most healed self, and the God I know wants me to be accountable, but never wants me to feel shamed, unworthy, unloveable, or unforgivable.
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Episode 9: Faith and Empowerment in Healing with Stephanie Hunter
Stephanie Hunter is one of those people that lights up a room when she enters it. Her passion for all people, especially children to know their potential and value are palpable. She lives her life out of that passion authentically with an informed, inclusive, faith filled nature. I’ve known this about Stephanie since the day we met, so was not surprised to see this once again come through as we were recording.
What I learned from Stephanie though in this episode is that her journey had a dark chapter during her marriage to a pastor, where she lived one life in the fishbowl like public existence that is the reality of being a ministry spouse, while the actual truth behind the scenes was nothing like the shiny public face. She reveals what that did to her as a person….her mental, physical, and emotional health, and the aftermath of depression, anxiety, and physical sickness once she was able to escape this unhealthy situation.
She shares how her faith brought her out of the brink to a life of passionate self-care, dietary changes, feeding her soul with music and words that light her up, and fighting for all to know their intrinsic value so that they never travel down their own dark road.
Her story is a beautiful one of redemption when one has the courage to take secrets out of the dark and expose them so that your whole body and soul can be healed. Her contagious, authentic positivity as she lives inspired by what she has survived is a story all people should hear and learn from.
Do yourself a favor, and make time for this moving episode with Stephanie Hunter.
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Episode 8: Embracing Rest Fuels Unapologetic Living with Danielle Demetria
I get to meet a ton of inspiring people in my work, and that is how I came to know this young go getter. Danielle moved to Lubbock, TX after college and hit the floor running even as COVID was taking hold. She immediately became a difference maker in this community, all driven by her passion for art, equality, getting and giving the best care needed to live our best lives, no matter the background or neighborhood anyone comes from. Danielle is not the loudest voice in the room, but is consistent and driven by her values.
She’s not afraid to speak truth, and also knows the importance of listening. We touch on so many important topics in this episode, including how she makes self care part of her schedule to ensure it does not get missed. We discuss the stereotypes around black women and men’s responses to challenging situations, and how damaging this is to their health, including the disparities in health care. She shares how dealing with her own female issues led her to wanting to run her own nonprofit versus working for someone else. We also dive into the difference between apologizing for the racial disparities in our country versus getting involved and becoming part of the solution.
So much wisdom from this bright woman. My favorite quote from this episode is “Just Because You’re Alive Doesn’t Mean You’re Living”. Join me in this conversation to hear how Danielle is living hers.
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Episode 7: Embracing Herself and Others Unapologetically with Helen Dorado Alessi
This sit down with my friend Helen Dorado Alessi is so rich and full of wisdom and insight, I hardly know how to begin. I lost track of how many times I stopped the recording when listening back to it, to capture a meaningful thought, quote, nugget of wisdom or resource, that I knew I had to capture.
We cover the full gamete in this episode, including, but not limited to her journey in getting to know herself after realizing the anxiety she felt when left alone with herself; how she learned to effectively self soothe when feeling anxious and nervous; how we need to get back to what we loved to engage in as a child before it was “tamed” out of us by culture (especially little girls); the importance of slowing down and examining a situation before just saying yes to it; how women need to stop leading like men and apologizing for who they are; knowing ourselves, why, and purpose given we’re here on this planet at this time for a reason, and the hope that can give us; that we’re all worthy of that partner who wants to see us fly and see us be who we truly are; forgiving ourselves as we embrace our layers; communicating new boundaries to those we are in relationship with; and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!
I hope you’ll join Helen and I in this engaging, thought provoking, affirming conversation. You will also lose count of how many times you stop the episode to write something down :) .
Don’t miss all of the sources from this episode located on our website in the “Resources” section, as well as in the “Show Notes” with the episode link.
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Episode 6: From People Pleasing to Boundary Setting with Elizabeth Fisher Good
I met Elizabeth Fisher Good in 2015 when I lived in Chicago, through the anti-human trafficking cause group I was working with, as she was establishing the anti-human trafficking organization she confounded, Selah Freedom. Elizabeth is one of those people that commands a presence, and you sense immediately that she’s doing something you want to be a part of.
What I learned about Elizabeth as time went on is that she had her own story to tell. Through unraveling this story, her passion to live her best authentic life, and helping other women do the same, has become as big of a part of her as the life changing work she does in the anti-human trafficking world. Her commitment in the healing work of helping girls who have been trafficked awoke something in her that ignited her desire to walk out her own healing & help others do the same. This was revealed in her book “Groomed” that was released in early 2020, and as she has established “Free With E”.
We discuss her journey through all of this in this episode. Elizabeth talks about what she’s learned about boundaries, emotional & physical health connections, living out of her own expectations, and how she gives her time to people & causes that align with her values and feed her soul in this season she is now in.
There is so much in this conversation about moving from people pleasing, codependency, and taking care of everyone else around us, to a healthier way of living. I can’t wait to share this with the world as we all journey towards living out F.E.E.L.
Don’t miss the show notes or sources on our website where we share about Elizabeth’s latest groundbreaking work through the Selah Way Foundation and the launch of her new program for women “Free with E - A Journey to More”
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Episode 5: Built for Healthy Boundaries with Joy Drake
I have known Joy Drake for over 25 years, as we have moved around the West, raised our families, and navigated life together. She has always been a force who knew her mind, her why for doing things, and has never been dissuaded by others thoughts or opinions, very comfortable living out of her own expectations of and for herself.
None of this was a surprise to me going into recording this episode. However, what became even more clear is that we did not even need talking points for this episode because Joy so clearly lives her daily life naturally out of each of these subjects we discuss. She’s so naturally boundaried, putting her time into relationships and causes that fit seamlessly into the why’s and expectations that drive her in all that she pursues. This goes for her long term pursuits as well as the new ones she’s going after in the last year.
Women, and for that matter people of all ages, can learn so much from Joy and how she navigates her life and lives out what aligns with her heart and hope for this world and the people in it.
Join us for this empowering conversation on how to live your life by your standards, hopes, dreams, and embracing all the parts and layers that make us each who we are.
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Episode 4: Healthy Boundaries & Living Out of My own Expectations with Abby Bekele
I first met Abby the Spring of her freshman year at Guilford College in Greensboro, North Carolina. She was one of my middle daughter Kylee’s original first friends in college, and they have remained close as roommates and friends over the last 5 years. I have literally watched Abby grow up through this time, and am so thankful for the friend she has been to Kylee, and how she has been willing to come on board this podcast journey with me and do things that I would have had no idea how to do without her help and expertise.
Abby has always been a loyal, kind, honest friend, but where I am seeing her grow the most that gives me great joy is in her finding her voice to talk about the important social issues that black young women face every day in this country in their social, athletic, and works spaces, as well as finding her own voice in setting boundaries in relationships and learning how to not give everything without also receiving what she is worthy of in her relationships. Abby is a big giver, so this has been a journey as she finds her voice and learns to live out of the expectations she has set for herself, not the ones that others around her have set for her.
We talk about navigating cultural expectations within her family as well as the expectations the world has put upon her, and not allowing those to override her why, her healthy boundaries, and expectations she has set for her life.
I have loved and continue to love watching her grow into this confident, spokesperson for her own life and the stories of others that she shares through her work, and her willingness to stay with it, knowing growth, learning, and change is a process, but that she is worth fighting for to be the best self she can possibly be for her and for the world.
I know you will feel inspired and encouraged as Abby shares all she’s learning and navigating in this episode. I hope you’ll join us, and realize you are worth fighting for too.
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Episode 3: Your Monthly Cycle Can Be Your Friend with Valencia Saint-Louis
I knew going into this Episode that it would be fun to do because of all the growth I’ve gotten to witness in Valencia the last almost 3 years I have known her.
I’ve watched her do the hard work of moving from people pleasing to living out of her own expectations & not others; of what it means to establish & communicate healthy boundaries in relationships, work, and making meaningful time for rest and self care. I was very excited to listen to her share about this journey.
I also knew we were going to talk about her brand that she’s launching, which will include a podcast and blog of its own. I knew she had connected the dots on how emotional & physical healthcare tied together. What I did not fully understand was all the research she had put into it, and how much knowledge she has generated about women’s cycles each month and how we can better understand how they work and how we can navigate them in such a helpful, meaningful, nourishing way. Ladies, if we truly take what she’s learned and apply it, it will change lives for good in a way most of us did not know was possible. It will change the way you think about, talk about, and approach and experience your cycle, hormones, and beyond.
This is a must listen for us all and I’m so pleased to get to share it with you.
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Episode 2: Meet the Crooks
My biggest concern going into this episode was that with so many people involved, could we still make it sound like a conversation that we would organically have around the table at dinner, sipping coffee, or just hanging out on the deck somewhere; AND would the length be an issue, given all involved, and that we all have our own unique stories and perspectives to share?
Following the recording I listened to the raw, unedited version a couple of times to assess these concerns, and came away very happy with how conversational and natural it felt, as well as how raw, vulnerable, and honest we all were, while still laughing and being our authentic selves throughout. My main thought was how is Valencia going to edit this because there’s so much good content? I don’t want much of anything cut, other than some transitional space here and there. But that’s why Valencia is the editor and producer and I am not :).
Later that week Valencia and I were catching up and she let me know that she was about 45 minutes into the episode and remarked on how conversational we sounded, what a good intent listener Brady is, how clear it was how much our daughters love and support each other and us, and that it did not feel long at all because of the quality of the conversation. I was very happy to hear that from an unbiased listener, who has not seen our family interact before; that she was able to pick up on that. I was still concerned however, that she was going to have difficulty editing it down to a reasonable time frame, but she came back and answered that question a couple of days later by recommending we split it into 2 episodes. That way we don’t cut good content, and the episodes are each a reasonable amount of time. Again, that’s why she’s the editor and producer :).
Needless to say, I’m really excited for these episodes to be shared with the world. There’s a ton of great nuggets and it will really give you an inside look at us, and how I got on this journey I’m on with this podcast.
I hope you love it as much as I do :)
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Episode 1: Emotional Health & Physical Health Connection to our Overall Wellbeing with Melissa Crook
Recording episode 1 and putting this out to the world is feeling very freeing to me. I am excited to introduce this content to the world because I believe that we as women need to feel the freedom to have these discussions, and remove the taboo around these topics. I want younger generations to learn from this, and create an awareness in their holistic health that helps them avoid the pitfalls that I ran into, and I want women my age and older to be empowered to deal with these areas of their life in a healthy authentic vulnerable way so we can all be living our best lives, not feeling guilty or selfish for prioritizing our well being.
As I have re-examined what living my healthiest life looks like, I am also excited to introduce listeners to people who are doing this themselves in their own unique ways, and continuing to evolve and learn as they’re doing it. I hope this offers some ideas and inspiration to listeners and also assists everyone in understanding that we are all continuing to learn and evolve, what our best healthiest life and relationships will change with different seasons that we go through, and that’s ok, as long as we don’t put ourselves on the backburner in that new season.
I’m invigorated by the thought of introducing these conversations to the world, and hope listeners will feel inspired and invigorated as well.
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!
Welcome to The F.E.E.L Podcast
Let me introduce you to the F.E.E.L podcast, Finding Empowerment Embracing Layers. My name is Melissa Crook, and at the age of 51, I just now feel like I'm finally finding and identifying with my authentic self and what it takes to live that out daily. The hope of this podcast is that it will help women at any age, especially 20 somethings, prioritize self care without feelings of guilt or selfishness, set healthy boundaries in jobs, activities, and relationships, and deal with all emotions and feelings fully and in a healthy way so they don't get stuck in their body and produce physical and emotional problems down the road.
Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!