Episode 17 - Protecting Your Peace with India Lott
By Jessica Garrison
This week we wrap up Season 5, with an accomplished young woman whose kindness, determination, and patience are already changing the lives of those around her. India Lott has her own podcast, A Tall Girl’s Podcast, where she’s able to give a voice to tall women.
India has a lot on her plate being a senior in college, a freelancer, and the host of her own podcast. To manage her self-care, India has days that are “off limits,” and I love how firm she stands in allowing herself to take time for herself. If we keep ourselves busy constantly, life will fly by before we’ve even realized it.
Describing herself as a chronic people pleaser, India expressed the guilt she would feel whenever she would tell someone no. Over the years, she’s learned to protect her peace and set stronger boundaries to do that. With the help of the younger generation openly talking about mental health more, it’s given India more chances to speak her mind and to live unapologetically.
We’ve heard from previous guests about the connection between mental and physical health, and India continued this much-needed conversation. She shared how she processes her emotions and how necessary it is to take time with your feelings. Otherwise, you can experience sickness from the stress, and it’s just not worth it.
India shared with us the story of how her podcast came to be. What started out as rant sessions about being a tall girl turned into a platform that promotes body positivity. She’s found a lot of support from her listeners and offers them the same support in return, continuously uplifting women in their fight to live unapologetically in their bodies.
India’s “why” is very important to her, and it shined through during this episode. When she’s having a difficult time focusing at school or deciding if a sacrifice is worth it, she remembers why she’s here, why she’s doing it, and why she’s working so hard. Her passion continues to push her towards her goals.
Living out of her own expectations versus others can be difficult when you’re a tall Black woman like India. As soon as people see her, they make snap judgments about what she does professionally or what she’s studying at school. After being reduced to her height as her personality for so many years by others, India has found a way to live her life authentically, and what she has to offer is so inspirational.
Being tall is part of herself that India can’t change, and by embracing this layer, it takes the power away from others who try to judge her. India’s relationship with herself has improved so much over the years, and part of that has come from speaking kindly to herself. How we talk to ourselves is so effective, and it’s important we give ourselves as much compassion and grace as we give to others.
You can listen to India’s podcast and hear her share even more stories about her journey. I couldn’t get enough of her charisma and joyfulness while listening to the episode. We are so honored to wrap up Season 5 with this engaging guest!
No worries though, as we’ll be back with a new blog soon as we kick off Season 6 in a few short weeks!
Ways to Engage: How does India saying to speak kinder to yourself make you feel? Reflect upon the different ways you’ve spoken to yourself lately and analyze: am I being kind to myself? Am I being too harsh? Would I speak to my friend like this? Try to think of something more gentle you can say to yourself in a moment of stress or anxiety.
Episode 16 - Making Space for Women to Live Unapologetically with Shaquanda Reese
By Jessica Garrison
Welcome back, everyone! After taking off a couple of weeks for the holidays, we’re back with an incredible guest, Shaquanda Reese. Not only is she a founder/CEO of her own business, but her business helps to spread awareness about mental health, clearly showcasing how thoughtful and intelligent she is. She speaks with Melissa about her professional, personal, and internal journey, as well as how she’s living her life authentically.
Shaquanda considers self-care to be internal work and about caring for your emotional needs. She encourages “prioritizing inner peace” and incorporating these efforts into everyday life.
Being a Black woman, boundaries come fairly naturally for Shaquanda. With the weight of the world on her shoulders, Shaquanda has always been told how strong she is. However, she wants to be known as both strong and fragile. Normally we see fragile as an insult, but her explanation of this sentiment makes everything come together.
Setting intentions for the day has helped Shaquanda take care of her emotional health as much as her physical health. The business she’s created as a way to help others start the day like this is called Burst Beans Coffee. Don’t worry, there’s a link to the website at the end of the blog, so you can enjoy your own burst of enjoyment each morning.
Shaquanda shares that when a woman loves herself, she is able to love other women. It’s a shame how much internalized misogyny exists in the world, and rather than taking other women down, we should be uplifting them. In supporting women, Shaquanda also mentions the importance of listening without judgment to give other women the opportunity to just be heard.
Prior to her coffee business, Shaquanda had a podcast, which focused on the front we put up in the social media world. This was a way she could advocate for mental wellness publicly, and the impact she leaves with her various projects is astonishing. After listening to her speak and hearing everything she’s accomplished with her authentic self, Shaquanda’s values should be praised by all.
Everyone has complex layers, but Shaquanda has learned that perfection isn’t a realistic possibility. She’s learned to allow forgiveness and grace to not only those in her life, but to herself as well. Differences are beautiful, and they should be celebrated instead of being buried inside of us. Shaquanda recalls an example with fruit to help explain her points, and I never thought I could relate so much to an apple.
You can visit Shaquanda’s coffee business online, Burst Beans Coffee, to purchase your own blend to enjoy in the morning, setting yourself up for a day full of self-care and success.
Ways to Engage: Shaquanda emphasizes the idea of “intention” in this episode, which is not a new idea to the podcast. Have you tried doing your self-care with intention? If so, think about how it’s changed your perception of self-care. If not, see how adding this into your routine affects it. As always, we love to hear about your experiences and how ideas from The F.E.E.L Podcast have affected the way you embrace your layers.
Episode 15 - Empower Others As You Rise with Victoria Pelletier
By Jessica Garrison
Trigger warnings: rape, abuse
Our guest this week, Victoria Pelletier, is an accomplished public speaker and author. She’s been presented with honors such as an HSBC Diversity & Inclusion Award, Mentor of the Year, and was listed in the Top 50 Most Influential Business Leaders in Tech in 2021. She has so much to share with us, not only about how she’s achieved these honors, but how she’s learned to embrace her layers along the way.
Victoria says her self-care evolved over time, reminding us that resilience is a muscle that continues to get stronger over time. She credits her adoptive mother for helping her learn, value, and communicate her emotions, which has helped Victoria create her self-care routines.
Victoria was quite open and vulnerable in the episode, telling us that her birth mother was an abusive drug addict, which in turn scarred her both physically and emotionally; Victoria suffered from abandonment issues and insecurities, which were only elevated at the age of 14 when she was raped. After her adoptive mother came into the picture and helped Victoria become mindful of her emotions, she was able to begin a journey towards self-healing.
A professional goal Victoria had was to achieve an executive role at 24 as she’s very interested in leadership roles and the dynamics of business. Most of the time, Victoria is the youngest executive, only woman, and only queer person in the room, which isn’t easy to handle. However, she began to fight past stereotypes so others don’t have to struggle to be in the room. She fights for more diversity and inclusivity, when it comes to the business world. In supporting women, Victoria brilliantly says, “Lift others as you rise.”
Ever heard the question, “How do you manage it all?” How could a woman possibly handle a job, children, a husband, and a household, as well as keeping up with their social life? Unfortunately, Victoria has heard sexist questions like this a time or twenty. To that, Victoria says, “Where there’s conviction, there’s capacity.”
To be in business, Victoria put a front up for others, and it took until her late 20s to begin the process of peeling back all of her layers. She thought she was always embracing her layers, but she’s since seen the evolution of herself becoming more authentic. She gained the confidence to live the life she wanted and accept the love that she deserves without letting the words of others get to her. Victoria has a very tight-knit group of people who love and accept her for who she is, and she doesn’t stand for unnecessary drama in her core group of people.
She’s chosen to not let others make her feel guilty for the choices she makes, which can be easier said than done. There’s nothing that makes minorities want to stay in places of business when there’s no inclusivity, and Victoria works to create safe spaces for people from all walks of life to feel comfortable pursuing their dreams in business and leadership.
I need everyone to listen to Victoria speak about her journey because no blog could ever do her justice in telling her incredible and influential story. For more information, you can check out Victoria’s website and the show notes on the Embracing Layers website!
Ways to Engage: Victoria touched on a lot of sexist language throughout this episode, such as the difference between a man in business being “assertive” and a woman in business being a “bitch.” What have you experienced with this? How did you respond? What language was used? How did it make you feel? I know every woman has a similar story, and we’re here to listen, share, and grow.
Episode 14 - Daily Unapologetic Living with Bridget Belden
By Jessica Garrison
This week’s guest, Bridget Belden, is the founder and CEO of Magenta Counseling, “a coaching organization providing world-class tools to empower women to discover who they are beyond being a mom.” Bridget’s journey to unapologetic living has shown itself through disciplined self-care, challenging boundaries, and discovering ways to support women in everyday life.
When Bridget was younger, “self-care” was all about physical activity, but it has since evolved into a more mental and spiritual process. There’s been a lot more conversation recently about self-care, and Bridget has used habits, routines, and sustainable practices to help her navigate through life and her self-care practices.
Bridget used to be very focused on life’s “vision,” meaning she was working hard on getting the house, marrying someone, having children, and creating society’s “perfect life.” Feelings of guilt also arose because she had all the things in the “vision” and still felt like something was missing. The reality is that her life wasn’t complete because she left out the most important person of all: herself.
Boundaries are still a challenge for Bridget, especially since she was brought up in a world that told her not to rock the boat. However, Bridget realized that her boundaries come down to a sense of self-worth, which is a common baseline for people. What is okay and what is not? Is this person respecting me as a person or just thinking of what would benefit them? Do I have the time for this? Is it worth my time? I can personally attest that asking yourself these questions can be quite helpful, especially if you have to decide between a few different requests.
While supporting women, Bridget tries to create a space day to day where women can be honest with her. She wants people to be able to say how they are truly feeling, rather than just a robotic response of “I’m good.” In addition to her value of supporting women, Bridget’s “why” also comes down to what she’s passionate about. It’s important that she checks in with herself to see if she’s still passionate about what she’s doing or if it isn’t fulfilling her the same way anymore.
Embracing her layers and living out F.E.E.L. has been a complicated journey, but it’s also been a beneficial self-love journey for Bridget. We can’t pick and choose the parts of ourselves we like; we have to accept ourselves as we are, even if we aren’t happy with all of our layers. Bridget’s journey is a reminder to us that it’s okay to change your mind, it’s okay to go through a difficult time, and no matter what happens, you are your own person.
Check out Bridget’s website for more information and discover the empowerment of being your own person.
Ways to Engage: Something that really resonated with me during this episode was Bridget working towards “the vision,” but once she had it, she realized there was more to life than living for other people. What part of this episode resonated with you and why? Is there a certain “vision” you have or had for yourself in life? How does it compare to you now?
Episode 13 - Living in Alignment with JJ DiGeronimo
By Jessica Garrison
Our guest this week is JJ DiGeronimo, an author and former tech industry leader. Her books, Accelerate Your Impact, The Working Woman’s GPS, and Seeking have all been met with critical acclaim, and she has won various awards for writing about her journey through life and what can help other women achieve success. She’s also been featured in Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, and Thrive Global, so if this episode isn’t enough, there’s plenty more work by JJ DiGeronimo to discover!
Self-care changes daily for JJ, but no matter what she’s doing for the day, it all starts with creating a space to be able to achieve whatever goal she sets for herself. No matter what she has planned for the day, JJ reminds herself, “I can only be as good as the amount of time I invest in myself.” Ignoring self-care to get other items on the to-do list done can feel good at first, but it all catches up after a while. Even if it doesn't seem like there’s enough time, make sure you’re getting what you need throughout each day.
JJ found herself overcommitting in all aspects of her life, and it caused an “energy leak.” The more she would say yes to, the larger the leak would grow, and soon, everything she was saying yes to would cause an energy leak. JJ learned to readjust her “yes” and began to say yes to things she wanted to put her energy into, so she wouldn’t waste time on things she didn’t actually want to do.
Another thing JJ had to learn on her journey is to be mindful. Not only when it came to her self-care and setting boundaries, but she also learned to be more mindful about her emotional health being connected to her physical health. If a situation ended differently from the way she had hoped, JJ learned to ask herself, “Why am I in this situation?” Did she say “yes” to too many energy-draining activities? Did she complete the self-care routine she’d set up for herself? Is she not keeping up with her emotional or physical well-being? It’s about getting to the root of the situation, rather than writing it off as someone else’s fault or just a coincidence. A tool she uses to help her find out more of what she needs or if she’s keeping up with her boundaries is a column chart. She’ll use this to help her decide which things she should say yes to. For example, she’ll ask herself, “What is the commitment? Who’s asking for this favor? Does it align with where I am now or where I want to go?” All of these questions can help lead her down the path she wants to follow, and it’s definitely a piece of advice I’ll be tucking away for later.
JJ also mentioned having a “whisper” that told her to start a women’s group, to write a book, and other ideas to help support women. She used to ignore it and had self-doubt about her abilities, but in 2008, she decided to stop trying to be perfect and just do the best she could. Without the stress and pressure of overmanaging, JJ has been able to pursue her dreams. Over the years, she’s stumbled and fallen, but she continues to get back up and JJ is excited for the future as she says how it’s an exciting time for women, and we’re here for a reason.
The whisper she was always hearing helped JJ discover her “why,” and working with women has enlightened her. Writing books and getting her thoughts out there are not only helping her find a medium to put her passion into, but they also help all the people who read them or are looking for a fresh start. JJ says she doesn’t always realize how negative times are until it’s over, but no matter the difficulty, she continues to reach out through her work and supports women in her everyday life.
It’s not easy to live out of your own expectations, but JJ has learned that it’s easier to do so when you’re really honest with yourself. Sometimes, there are going to be things you just can’t expect to achieve. An example JJ provided is if you really want a promotion at work, but you work in a place where the boss doesn’t promote women, then you can’t count on getting the promotion. You can do all the hard work to get there, but the environment needs to change for you to be able to reach your goal, and these are the types of things we need to be thinking about in the back of our minds. Your time is important, and if you’re going to spend it working towards something, it’s important to start life’s work from within. There are times when the work can’t be done alone, and that’s when it’s time to look to those around you. Asking for support isn’t a bad thing, and surrounding yourself with those who encourage you is all a part of the journey.
JJ found a lot of freedom in exploring her layers, and she reminds us that there’s so much greatness to discover within yourself. Even the tiniest bit of progress deserves to be celebrated, and we have to remember that we can’t take on the world’s problems; sometimes it’s better to start small. It takes time and practice to be able to connect with your “higher self.” Not everyone is in a space to begin their journey, but it’s never too late to start when you’re ready.
Towards the end of this episode, JJ says, “I like myself a lot more,” and it’s such an admirable thing to say. I used to be in a dark place where I didn’t like anything about myself, and so many people feel that way. However, her journey through F.E.E.L. has been eye-opening for JJ, and she appreciates where she is now so much more because of it. She’s able to look back and see where she started and just how far she’s come.
If you’re interested in learning more about JJ, you can visit her website where you can check out her books, schedule her as a speaker, listen to her podcast, and even join her on a retreat! We appreciate JJ sharing her story with us and reminding us that it’s never too late to work towards your passion.
Ways to Engage: Next time someone asks for a favor, try making a column chart like JJ does. Ask yourself, “Is it worth the time?” “Does this person constantly ask me for favors and doesn’t deliver in return?” “Will this help me reach my end goal?” Find out what questions work for you and discover what boundaries need to be put in place.
Episode 12 - Finding Your Foundation with Ursula Sharp
By Jessica Garrison
Melissa met Ursula Sharp at a conference and knew shortly after that she wanted to have her as a guest on the podcast. Her perspective on life and F.E.E.L. is not only encouraging but also very self-reflective. Ursula became forced to take care of herself after being diagnosed with renal disease, and she is currently on dialysis awaiting a kidney transplant. This health crisis has taught her to make intentional time for herself. She takes a pause to breathe, a moment to reflect, and the time to set realistic goals. She said that the best way to describe her would be a car without a GPS since she was just going through the motions with no real sense of direction. Now, Ursula is able to reach the goals she sets for herself and not become overwhelmed by the impossible.
Boundaries are important to Ursula because she needs a safe space to exist, something we all truly need. We’re taught as women to be there for other people, despite our personal well-being. We’ve heard this from so many women over the seasons, but Ursula reiterated this a few times during the episode. At first, when expressing boundaries, people may be confused as to why you’re suddenly sticking up for yourself or are not their beck and call anymore. It’s important though to stand by the boundaries you set if you believe in them or need them. It’s all about balance in different aspects of your life and keeping to the boundaries you’ve set for yourself.
Ursula expressed the need to have an unfiltered connection with someone in order to take care of her emotional health. She found this connection with her therapist and discovered how it really helped her to recognize her triggers. The disease she’s living with gave her a new perspective on her emotional health, and this transformed her as a person. Although growth can be uncomfortable, it’s necessary to live out F.E.E.L. Ursula has been eating better, walking regularly, and meditating. However, she also gives herself permission to have a “lazy day” where she can just sit down and relax. By slowing down and taking the time to focus on what’s going on around her, Ursula has been able to benefit from her mental health staying healthy since she can’t always rely on her body to feel healthy.
One piece of advice that Ursula wanted to give to anyone listening is that “if it doesn’t feel right, let it go.” I’ve said before that women especially are told too many times to not trust their gut, but if something feels right, you should go after it. And if it feels wrong, as Ursula says, letting it go is probably for the best. What feels right to Ursula is leaving a positive legacy behind, and she wants to also support others in doing the same thing. At the end of the day, all people want is to feel heard, and Ursula supports women by being an active listener to those around her. Not everyone is looking for advice or for the situation to be “fixed,” but sometimes they just want someone to listen to them vent. Ursula makes sure communication is clear in the conversation, such as offering, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but this is my response based on what I heard.” This causes the person she’s speaking with to reflect upon what they said/how they said it, and for there to be no hurt feelings based on a miscommunication. I think this is a great way to have conversations that can be tough while still making sure that everyone involved is feeling heard, understood, and supported.
There’s a lot of judgment out in the world, and Ursula wants to make sure that she doesn’t add to it, which is part of her leaving a positive legacy behind. In her world, your word is your bond, so she makes it a point to be honest and straightforward with people. If they take anything away from a conversation with her, she wants it to be that she is upfront with them, and they can trust what she’s saying, whether it be good or bad.
Of course, Ursula is not a perfect person, and she’s struggled with patience through her journey to accepting her layers. Even if she knows things can take time to evolve, she wants to see results right away. As Ursula pointed out earlier while speaking about self-care, she’s learned to handle this by taking more pauses. For example, she’s learned not to rush through conversations; if someone catches her at a bad time, she wants to give them her fullest attention and offers to speak with them later rather than just dismissing them because she’s in a hurry. It keeps her more present and in the moment each day.
Ursula says, “Don’t live your life living someone else’s dream,” which is a huge takeaway when it comes to living out of your own expectations versus others’. At the end of the day, it’s your life and the people who you’re listening to may not still be there in the future. You’re the only person who will have to deal with the consequences of your actions, so make sure you’re living the way you want to. Even if someone may not agree with her decisions, Ursula knows what’s best for her and where she wants to go in life, so the opinions of others aren’t always considered. If it’s someone whose opinion she values, of course, she’ll listen to their thoughts and concerns, but she doesn’t let them be the final decision-maker. It’s Ursula’s life, and she’ll live it however she may please, just as we should all be doing.
Despite there being no instruction manual on how to get through life (wouldn’t it be much easier if there were?), Ursula is able to persist with confidence because she believes in what she’s doing. Everyone is just doing their best to get through life successful and happy, and Ursula is no different. However, her kindness, intelligence, and empathy already positively affect her and those around her. The vulnerability and spirit she showed during the episode makes this one you won’t want to miss!
Ways to Engage: Are there any techniques or specific things you do when listening to someone in addition to what Ursula offers? What are they? How have the results been? Feel free to share with us so we can all discover ways to support others and better ourselves.
Episode 11 - Menopause is Natural, Suffering is NOT with Alison Bladh
By Jessica Garrison
Our guest this week, Alison Bladh, comes to us from overseas. From England, she currently lives in Sweden and is spreading awareness about a topic that isn’t often talked about: menopause. She’s an award-winning registered Nutritional Therapist, and she’s also a member of the British Association of Nutritional Therapists and the Institute of Functional Medicine. So if you have questions or concerns about these topics, Alison’s your girl.
Self-care is a new concept for Alison. She wasn’t really aware of what it was and what it meant, but it has since become popular in the world of social media. We’re always seeing posts about people getting their nails done, having a facial, doing yoga, or anything that they say keeps them calm after a chaotic day. Alison works specifically with women with menopause, and she says it’s important to protect the time you need. A lot of the time, we put ourselves at the bottom of our to-do lists. Alison has found that putting self-care acts in your schedule has helped her, as well as her clients. The same goes for prioritizing sleep and food; it’s a nonnegotiable for Alison. Sleep is crucial and nutritional, just the same as food is. There’s a lot of stuff that we put off and sacrifice to get everything done in a day, such as skipping meals or staying up past the time we should go to sleep, but we have to stop pushing ourselves past that limit. Self-care, sleep, and a balanced diet are all things that we need to be able to live a happy and healthy life, and it’s imperative that we prioritize these things in our lives. Alison also put a lot of emphasis on the topic of fun: “We don’t laugh enough!” Life is difficult enough as it is, we ought to have some fun while we’re here! Do things that bring you genuine joy, and don’t be afraid to have a good time.
Similar to many of our other guests, Alison used to say yes to everything and never had strong boundaries set. Keeping boundaries in place doesn’t happen overnight, and you just have to remember that you’re prioritizing your own health and your own happiness. Alison said it “feels very alien” to say no, but it also feels quite empowering to be able to say no and stick to your boundaries. Clearly define your boundaries and be aware of how it makes you feel. Sometimes there might be guilt in the beginning, but if it’s a boundary you truly want to set, power through to see the positive results of how you’ll feel after setting it and having it be respected.
Tons of mood swings and anxiety come with menopause, and Alison makes a point to work individually with her clients just because everyone is so different. What works for one client may not work for the other, and it’s important to explore what’s going on in their lives in addition to menopause rather than just making a blanket statement. Food is a huge conversation that she has with people because not only does it affect how we feel, but it’s everywhere. To be able to give our bodies the best care we can, we have to have a relationship with food. It nourishes us, gives us fuel, and can affect our health further down the line. Alison also says that we have to be kinder to ourselves and show more compassion within. Her advice is to connect with friends who understand, friends who heal you, and friends who make you feel less alone in your struggles. Surrounding yourself with uplifting people is beneficial to your emotional health and, in turn, can help benefit your physical health.
Although supporting women unapologetically isn't a question Alison hears about frequently, she’s constantly seeing how women apologize. We don’t need to apologize so much, but it can be a nasty habit to break. Alison supports her clients in breaking old habits and making new ones; she’s seen and experienced how freeing it is to not say sorry for things that aren’t your fault. It also means that when you apologize at an appropriate time, it can bring more meaning to the conversation rather than just another sorry to add to the books.
Alison’s journey with health and wellness started when she was a teenager. She had trouble with acne, and instead of looking towards medication, she wanted to resolve it naturally and looked to her nutritional needs. Originally, she had a career as an aesthetician, but this wasn’t fulfilling her value of helping people the way she wanted it to. Menopause can cause acne in older women, and she’s seen how nutrition and menopause are connected; she wanted to give women the attention they deserve when it comes to their struggles with menopause. As Alison reminds us, “menopause is a natural process, suffering isn’t.”
Alison learned about her layers on the journey, and she’s worked on herself over the years. As a child, she was quite shy, and that continued into her teen years, especially once her acne started to develop. She had to work on her confidence, even after her skin cleared up because there was already so much damage to her self-esteem. But Alison loves to learn, so she looked forward to learning about herself, accepting the growth, and embracing her layers.
Through F.E.E.L., Alison has seen the quality of her relationships grow and develop. She cherishes her core group of people and core group of friends—she really values the friendships in her life. She wants to have fun and enjoy life, which is really what most people want to do deep down. Life is serious and exhausting sometimes, so it’s important to allow yourself some freedom to have a good time. You can check out Alison’s website for more information about her knowledge, her blog, the services she provides, and so much more!
Ways to Engage: What do you think of the topic of menopause? Had you heard of perimenopause before this episode? Why do you think this is a topic of conversation that gets brushed under the rug? Feel free to share any thoughts, feelings, or emotions Alison talks about, and let us know in the comments.
Episode 10 - Financial Empowerment with Patti Handy
By Jessica Garrison
Patti Handy has had a remarkable journey when it comes to supporting women and advocating for them in the financial world. She started as a financial advisor and mortgage advisor but has since become a financial coach for women. She uses her knowledge to help women learn more about money, how to be smart with their finances, and give them back their financial freedom.
Patti describes self-care as traditionally being difficult. Women are pulled in so many different directions, and she wants everyone to know that financial health is a layer of self-care and self-healing. When Patti was going through a divorce, she realized that she needed to start taking better care of herself so she could take care of her son better, too. Her son is her first priority, so by prioritizing her own self-care, she’s able to accomplish this goal. Patti also values exercise as part of her self-care routine. It comes in various ways with people, and she encourages the women that she works with to find their own self-care routine to help create a happier balance.
It’s difficult to set boundaries without feeling the guilt that comes with it, but Patti has come to terms with the necessity of boundaries. Although her son comes first, she still needed to carve time out for herself, and it took a while to do this without feeling selfish. Just like self-care, it’s hard to completely change your lifestyle around. However, Patti realized how important it is for children to see adults taking care of themselves, especially their parents. They model themselves after important figures in their life, and Patti wanted to raise children who would learn to take care of themselves, both independently in the world as well as taking care of their minds.
When asked about taking care of her emotional health as much as her physical health, Patti recalled a time shortly after her divorce when she was distraught. She was sobbing, feeling like she was completely lost on where she should go now. She was also financially distressed, despite knowing how to handle her money properly. She started thinking that there are women who are going through what she is, and they may have no idea where to start when it comes to their finances. Offering a judgment-free zone where women could come to her to discuss their worries with finances, Patti is able to assist women in taking care of their emotional health as well. She’s on a journey to learn and gain knowledge, and she wants to offer that to the women around her. Patti says, “We fear what we don’t know,” and that is especially true when it comes to money. By giving women the opportunity to expand their knowledge and gain back their financial freedom, it heals her in turn.
Patti had so many wonderful things to say when talking about supporting women unapologetically, but one of my favorite quotes from her is, “It’s important that we surround ourselves with individuals who support us emotionally and mentally.” If we surround ourselves with people who are constantly bringing us down, then it’s going to negatively impact our lives and how we perceive ourselves. However, I can speak from experience that by surrounding yourself with those who are kind, uplifting, and offer encouragement, you will see the difference in your life. Patti also suggests that women need to give themselves more grace and to not beat themselves up. She recalled that there were plenty of times that she made a poor decision even though she knew better, but she had to learn to let it go. Dwelling on your mistakes won’t change anything; all you can do is move on and make better decisions moving forward. Her goal is for women to be kinder to themselves and to forgive themselves more easily, which is a goal for us at F.E.E.L., too.
Patti’s “why” has always been her son. She wants to be a better person for him, and even though it was a jump to leave her comfortable job, she knew she had a bigger purpose. By taking the leap to help other women, she’s showing her son that it’s okay to follow your dreams and that some risks are worth taking. The feeling of regret was stronger than the feeling of failure, and Patti knew she couldn’t stay in her line of work any further; she had a new purpose in life and had to listen to her calling.
Patti sees her layers as seasons, and she says that there have been seasons of challenges and seasons of amazing moments; she’s been able to have new opportunities for growth and learning. She’s come to realize that life is so precious, and she says that she, “take[s] care of what [she] can today.” There’s no need to focus her energy on the past or things she can’t control, but rather it’s important to put effort towards what she has control over.
By living out F.E.E.L., Patti has become more compassionate and is always looking for ways she can serve the community around her. We all have our own journeys to take, and hers has been a journey towards becoming a financial advocate for women. Sometimes it’s difficult to understand in the moment why something is happening or what brought you there, but you will come out of the darkness into the light one day. Patti is happy to help women along on this journey and to teach them something new so they’re able to live a more prosperous life. I think she perfectly wrapped up with a quote that we often reiterate at F.E.E.L., which is, “We are all complex, beautiful humans.”
Ways to Engage: Money is a topic we’re often told not to talk about. How does the topic of finances make you feel? Nervous? Anxious? Angry? Feel free to share your thoughts on this topic we’re most often told to keep to ourselves, especially as women. There’s support out there for whatever emotion may make you feel, and let this be a reminder that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Episode 9 - Empowered by Joy and Intention with Tracy Weems
By Jessica Garrison
Tracy Weems is a longtime friend of the Crooks, who have had the privilege to see her flourish over recent years of her life. However, Tracy has been on a personal journey to discover self-care, boundaries, and how F.E.E.L impacts her life, and she’s here to share her incredible story with us.
Tracy said that she is still learning the ups and downs of self-care, as she has been a caregiver for most of her life. She was a caregiver for her late husband, her children, and is currently a caregiver for her grandmother. Putting her needs first isn’t what Tracy’s used to, but she’s finding that by taking care of herself first, she’s better able to take care of those around her. Rather than acting with resentment or anger, self-care puts Tracy in a better place mentally to be able to show up for those around her.
We see Tracy’s self-care overlap with boundaries since she’s discovered how liberating it is to say “No.” No, period. There doesn’t need to be a long explanation or an excuse as to why she doesn’t want to do something. Part of her self-care has been saying “no” to things she doesn’t want to do, and this has helped her boundaries grow as well.
Tracy didn’t always have the support she needed to be able to confidently set boundaries. Now that she’s grown and has learned so many lessons over the years, she now allows herself to feel her emotions and act based on them. In turn, this has helped her do what she wants to do, rather than always doing what others want her to do.
When Tracy was only 14, her mother passed away unexpectedly, and she realized she never dealt with the grief. So, when her husband passed away in 2016, she sought help to be able to handle her grief in a healthy way rather than suppressing it like she did when she was young. In this journey, she was diagnosed with ADHD, she’s learned how to deal with her emotions, and she feels more validated since discovering new layers to herself.
Supporting women is so important to Tracy, especially being a Black woman. She had to internally accept that she is okay with being a Black woman, and no matter how exhausting it is, she continues to stand up for what she believes in. Tracy wants to do more for the girls who look like her and encourage them that they can do whatever they set their minds to. Some people think they know Tracy’s experience more than she does, despite not being Black or being a woman. Tracy just continues to focus on those who matter most; She wants young Black girls and women to know that they can do whatever they want, and history has proven that they get it done.
Tracy’s values are surrounded by faith, and she credits this to having maintained her sanity while she’s experienced her hardships. Faith gets her back on track when she falters, and it keeps her doing the right thing. Even if people around her don’t have the same beliefs, she appreciates when her views are respected. She looks for respect to be earned, not just from her, but Tracy works to earn it from others as well.
After her mother passed, Tracy did things based on what she thought her mother would’ve wanted, even if she didn’t necessarily agree. She didn’t have a lot of support in the area of expectations that she needed either, so it took a long time for her to live out of her own expectations rather than others. Now, she acts based on what she wants and what her body needs, not based on what others expect her to do. As so many young people don’t, Tracy didn’t know her place in the world, and it just took a little bit of time for her to find it.
Over the years, Tracy has been peeling back her layers, which doesn’t have to be a negative thing. She describes this process like peeling back an orange: no one wants to eat the outer shell, but once you peel back the layers of the fruit, you get to enjoy the deliciousness inside. It’s not about the outside shell, but rather what’s on the inside.
Tracy describes herself as a loner and says she has always been selective of her inner circle, but sometimes that has resulted in her feeling lonely. However, she’s made a change in her life by making herself more available in a positive way. She didn’t have models of female empowerment growing up, and living out F.E.E.L. continues to be a journey for her. She’s seen the benefits of peeling back her layers, though sometimes it’s easier said than done. Tracy has found that she’s able to work things out when she talks aloud to herself, even more so than when she speaks to a therapist or someone in confidence. We tend to be most honest with ourselves in private, and Tracy uses this to her advantage to be able to work on herself.
Even when talking about difficult topics, Tracy has been so honest and vulnerable throughout the episode. We appreciate her wisdom and positive outlook on each talking point, and she has provided so much inspiration to those who listen.
Ways to Engage: Do you find that you’re most honest with yourself in a private situation like Tracy is? Do you ever take the time to speak to yourself aloud or write things down freely? Think of a situation or layer you’d like to explore and see if you’re more honest with yourself in private. It might not be for everyone, but you may discover a more effective way to embrace your layers.
Episode 8 - Healthy Boundaries Equals Healthy Bodies with Dr. Shalonna Battle
By Jessica Garrison
Our guest this week, Dr. Shalonna Battle, is an expert when it comes to women and their health concerns. She’s a nurse practitioner who has not only seen but also experienced how difficult it can be as a woman visiting the doctor. Particularly for women of color, health concerns are not always treated the way they should be since women are stereotyped to be dramatic, overbearing, and emotional. She’s used her knowledge to continue helping women in the doctor’s office but to also help them in everyday life. However, she’s had to go on her own journey to be able to help others go on theirs.
Being a caregiver to others caused Shalonna to leave herself behind when it came to self-care. She had to learn how to value it before she was able to prioritize it in her life. A lot of the time, Shalonna takes work home with her and has her own podcast to think about outside of work. Women are always placing themselves on the back burner, but Shalonna has come to realize that that does a disservice to yourself, as well as those around you. Our self-care is connected to everything: our boundaries, our mental health, and our physical health, just to name a few. Without taking care of yourself, you’re not able to give to all the other parts of your life.
Boundaries is another area that has been difficult for Shalonna. She’s a compassionate person who wants to please those around her. The first step is giving yourself permission, and she said that when you set boundaries, you are doing two things: recognizing your limitations and respecting your limitations. When you communicate them, you’re also asking those around you to do the same. We often give respect to those around us, but don’t give it to ourselves as much as we should. Remember to give yourself the respect you deserve as you would a friend or a family member. We have to learn to not be afraid to ask for the respect we deserve from others, too.
The podcast Shalonna created is called The Eavesdrop, and its purpose is to help women outside of the doctor’s office. There are many layers to health, such as an economic layer. Not everyone has the money, insurance, or time off to be able to go to the doctor on a regular basis when they’re feeling pain or to see a specialist for what they need. On the podcast, Shalonna has experts come on to provide resources and knowledge, and she hopes to support women by providing this in a public forum that doesn’t cost anything.
Too many times, Shalonna has seen patients come in that are suffering because no one makes the connection between emotional health and physical health. An example she provided was when she had a patient with chronic pelvic pain. Something she thought of that no one else did was screen for depression. Shalonna said her patient had never been screened for it before, and her results were off the charts. This poor woman didn’t know her mental health could be affecting her physically, and neither did any of the other professionals she went to see. When one is off, the other is bound to suffer, and Shalonna is able to share how much mental health can affect physical health with all the work she does.
When it comes to living out of your own expectations versus others’, Shalonna said she lives out of her truth and encourages others to live out of their own, too. Something Melissa and our team have talked about often is “imposter syndrome,” which is basically when you have self-doubt about yourself and your abilities when you’re achieving something great. It doesn’t feel like you should have the title others give you or you don’t deserve the praise you may be getting. But, as Shalonna reminds us, we have to strive for whatever we want. Be your own individual and live out the life you want to. What other people may think or believe is not as important as what you think or believe.
It’s difficult learning to accept the negative layers we may have, but Shalonna has seen the beauty in accepting the good, the bad, and the ugly. She continues to grow and thrive, as well as help other women who need to see the beauty in peeling back the layers. It’s gotten her to where she is now, and I think everyone can agree that Dr. Shalonna Battle is an extraordinary woman. She doesn’t allow negative relationships in her life, and this helps her to continue working on appreciating her self-worth. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve, and a big part of that is realizing how much you’re worth. We tend to look down on ourselves, but we’re working to change the narrative to self-love and self-appreciation.
I recommend everyone listen to Dr. Shalonna Battle’s podcast, The Eavesdrop, to not only support her work in supporting women, but also learn something that could change your life.
Ways to Engage: Think about a time when you had a negative or positive experience at the doctor’s office. What happened that made you feel that way? What are things you wish they would have done or would not have done to make you feel more comfortable? Or what did they do that you enjoyed? A negative experience with one doctor may not be the same for another, but it instills fear in us for future visits. Feel free to share what feels comfortable to you, and we hope Dr. Shalonna Battle’s episode can provide a bit of peace.
Episode 7 - Embracing Body Love with Rachel Lavin
By Jessica Garrison
This week, Melissa is joined by Rachel Lavin, a personal trainer and author of The Donut Diaries. Her website features an about page, the many services she provides, and a blog about her experiences that coincide with her weight journey. We’ve never covered the topics of eating disorders, the expectations of women’s bodies, and the culture of food in depth before, but I love that we’re bringing attention to the subjects with Rachel’s guidance and knowledge.
Food is such an important part of Rachel’s day, as it should be for everyone’s day. Part of her self-care routine is eating a good breakfast, moving her body, and waking up with gratitude. Another aspect of her self-care routine is getting the tasks on her to-do list completed so she’s able to go to sleep peacefully. I think everyone can attest that it’s anxiety-inducing to lay in bed thinking of everything you didn’t get done but could’ve, or all the stuff you’ll have to do tomorrow. Having this as a self-care step has been beneficial to Rachel, and I can understand how impactful that must be.
Boundaries have been a long time coming for Rachel. She doesn’t want to set boundaries with anger. The world is harsh enough as we all know, so she always sets her boundaries properly, without anger or resentment. She sets them from a healthy standpoint and with a calm mind. Communication is key in making sure people know how she’s feeling and how she can understand their feelings as well.
She feels very strongly about taking care of her emotional health as much as her physical health. The biggest hurdle to getting to where she is now was learning to speak kinder to herself. She found herself reaching outward rather than inward and lost herself in the process. When she turned 40, she was a size 0, and everyone in her life was complimenting how much better she looked after losing weight. Still, she wasn’t happy. She moved forward with being kinder to herself, recognizing trauma from the past, and putting forgiveness first. The attention she was getting made her feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable. An important lesson she wants everyone to learn is that another person’s body is no one else’s business, and commenting on other people’s bodies is never appropriate.
Rachel said it takes serious work to realize where your trauma comes from. You have to search through the parts you may not want to and offer forgiveness you never knew you were capable of giving. In supporting women, Rachel shared a story that I thought was adorable and shows that there can be light during dark times. A little girl in TJ Maxx went up to a woman and said, “I love your dress!” When Rachel told the little girl how kind that was, she said, “And I love your purse!” We need to see more of this with young women, portraying each other as advocates rather than competition. It was also kind of Rachel to compliment the young girl for being supportive, reinforcing how good it feels to be kind.
When it comes to her values, Rachel is conscious of how she treats others and how she treats herself. It’s important to learn the body’s signals and honor those signals because, otherwise, everything else will suffer. She doesn’t ever want to go back to treating herself poorly, and I commend her on the journey she’s been on because it certainly isn’t an easy one.
Although living outside of other people’s expectations is a work in progress, Rachel has come to learn that using “No” as a sentence is such a relief. There’s no need to explain yourself or why you do what you do. It’s your life, and it’s important to live it as you want to. She saw this come through with her book which she had a passion for. However, Rachel held off on writing it because even though she had lost a lot of weight and wanted to share her experience, she was worried about gaining the weight back. She realized though that her failures were the missing piece to her story, and now she’s able to share her authentic experience with others to help them on their own journey.
Being kinder to yourself means you’ll be kinder to others, and Rachel has seen herself transform into a better partner, friend, and person. The effort that Rachel has put forth making her life better has in turn been making the lives of those around her better, and we’re excited to see what else she will accomplish.
Ways to Engage: Food is an interesting but sensitive topic and has a strange dynamic in our lives. It’s fuel to our bodies, yet it comes with a lot of stipulations in our culture. Please feel free to share any thoughts, experiences, or insight you may have in the comments below.
Episode 6 - Moving Forward from Loss Through Self-Care with June K. Collins
By Jessica Garrison
This week’s episode is a bit different from previous since it has a topic we haven’t spoken about before, nor do we usually see it discussed in a public forum. Melissa is joined by June K. Collins, author of Momma, You Don’t Heal, who wrote the book about her struggles with losing a child. October is Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month, and we’re happy to be able to help June tell her story.
June never really believed in self-care until 2012, when her life changed forever. As anyone can imagine, it took a while for June to be able to come back from her loss, and she had to discover how to do that. She has a routine now where she wakes up early every day and reminisces. This is her alone, quiet time to think about memories of the past, what’s going on in the present, and what she wants out of the future. Good memories still live inside her, and she’s able to live in those in the early hours of the morning. Without self-care, June can see the difference in her attitude. Whenever triggers pop up in her life, she also likes to reflect on what is making her feel that way. She asks herself, “Why am I feeling this way?” and tries to get to the root of the problem.
As June explains, a child dying is not natural to us. It’s a complicated experience that has to have boundaries in place in order to heal. June says that after her son passed away, she didn’t have the capacity to deal with toxic people and chose to cut them out of her life. She reminds us that it isn’t selfish if you don’t do the things you don’t want to do. Save time for what you actually want to do, and you see the reward come through in your energy and attitude.
June talks in detail throughout the episode about her triggers, and this is tied into her emotional and physical health. An example she used is a time when she was in the grocery store and saw a woman yelling at her child. She thought how lucky they were to have their child, and she would do anything to have hers back. Understandably, there was a lot of anger in June’s life, and she had to work that out in order for her to move forward. This led her to discovering her self-care routine of reflecting upon why she feels a certain way and working towards the actual issue, rather than just what’s seen on the outside.
The passing of June’s child came when she was only 31 years old, and she knew she didn’t want to feel that constant heartache and pain forever. The idea of group therapy freaked her out—as an introvert myself, I can understand why. However, she did find what worked for her, which was speaking with someone one-on-one. June also educated herself on psychology and understanding the loss of her child, and she wanted to use what she learned to help others. She felt like some people in her life wanted her to “get over” the loss of her son. She expressed that just because he’s gone, he still lives in her life every day through her memory, which is such a special connection. He lives through the legacy she’s creating, and, in turn, creating one for him as well.
After her son died, June was upset that there were people in her life that weren’t there for her that she thought would be. She needed to surround herself with those who continually support her, so she could support herself and other women who have a similar story. Women tend to feel guilty in any aspect of their lives, and this is just amplified with the loss of a child. Women may feel that even though they were 5 weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage that they shouldn’t feel sadness because they never physically met their child. However, there are no limitations when it comes to grief. The loss of anyone in your life warrants whatever reaction you feel it warrants.
June gives an example during the episode that perfectly describes how she feels. If you break a flower pot and then try to fix it, it still remains cracked. You can glue the pieces back together, paint it, decorate it, and make the outside look like it was never broken. However, if you look on the inside of the flower pot, you can still see all the cracks. She knows how to pick herself back up, but the scars are still there and the hurt still exists on the inside.
Since the loss of her son, June has had another child and continues to thrive for her. She had a lot of anxiety with her pregnancy because of the troubles during her first one; she didn’t want to have similar results. June works through her struggles everyday and reminds herself that “it’s gonna be okay.” June’s strength and perseverance are impressive, especially since she has turned her grief into a way to help others. You can check out her resources on the Embracing Layers website and also check out her book to continue keeping up with her story.
Ways to Engage: What emotions came up while reading the blog and listening to the episode? Taking a page from June, reflect upon those emotions. Break down where they’re really coming from, other than just the sadness of a child passing away. Let’s dig deep and feel our emotions together.
Episode 5 - Unapologetically Embracing Discomfort with Cristina Ramirez
By Jessica Garrison
After learning she wrote a book entitled Empowered by Discomfort, we knew we had to have this next guest on the podcast. Cristina Ramirez has an incredible life journey, from Wall Street to Silicon Valley to being a published writer. Her wisdom and authenticity make this an episode you really don’t want to miss.
For Cristina, if she didn’t do any form of self-care, her body would force her to do it. She allowed herself to continue hitting that point where she was forced, rather than taking care of herself regularly. And that wasn’t the life she wanted to live. To be able to keep up with her kids, she knew she needed to get in better shape, which is a huge part of her journey. She began running as a form of self-care, which killed two birds with one stone. She even ran a 5K, which she was incredibly proud of herself for doing. After she accomplished this feat, she thought, what else can I do? In turn, this became a fitness journey for her as well as a creative journey. On her runs, she is able to have time with her own thoughts and allow her creative mind to thrive.
Through this journey to self-care, Cristina has come to realize just how much physical and emotional health coincide. She says it’s important to sustain confidence and to care about yourself enough to do the work because you are deserving of that kindness. However, the ways you accomplish this may not be the same—some days need different actions. For example, there are days when she needs to run to decompress. Other times, she may use a different method to perform self-care to take care of her physical and emotional health. It’s all about finding a balance that works for you on that given day, and we can see the benefits of it through Cristina’s journey.
Like most of our guests, Cristina described herself as a people pleaser. She was raised to always put others ahead of herself, or else she’d be seen as selfish. She credits her husband for helping her learn to set healthy boundaries because he gave her the space to have what she wanted. Sadly, Cristina’s husband passed away, and it was a devastating time in her life. He had shown her a wonderful new way of life, and she knew she couldn’t go back to her old ways. She says to give permission to yourself so you don’t take it out on those you love the most. Don’t beat yourself up over mistakes and setbacks; just continue to move forward.
By living unapologetically herself, Cristina gives those around her permission to do the same. She said that once you have a taste of how freeing and empowering it is to live life unapologetically, you’ll never want to go back. But living unapologetically didn’t always come easily to Cristina, as it doesn’t for most. She was born in Brazil to Cuban parents and attended college in Boston. Her parents didn’t have a lot of funds, so they told her they wouldn’t pay for her education to be a teacher—they wanted her to financially be successful enough to not be in their same position. Instead, she went into banking and finances, though it wasn’t her true passion.
She eventually became a preschool teacher, despite it being “the lowest of the low” on the teacher totem pole. She took the time to live her life authentically rather than wondering, “what if?” for the rest of her life. During the difficult times, Cristina reminded herself that what she was doing was a means to an end, and those stepping stones would lead her to the destination she wanted. By keeping her why and values close to her heart, she knew that whatever road she took would be done with integrity.
Even though the world makes discomfort seem so negative, Cristina has found positivity in embracing this discomfort. We all have challenges we don’t think should be there, but at the end of the day, ignoring it or wallowing in it doesn’t work. After her husband passed, Cristina needed time to process and access her truth without feeling guilty. Life gets bigger, but the grief doesn’t get smaller. She gives herself permission to continue living life happily, which is all her husband wanted to begin with.
Embracing your layers is about acceptance and understanding. Cristina describes her layers as all the different parts of her personality that exist inside her, but she gets to choose who gets the mic. Cristina gives 100% in everything she does so she can say, “I know that I did the best I can,” even if something doesn’t work out in her favor. Not everything will always come your way, but if you give it your all, at least you won’t have any regrets. It’s refreshing to hear Cristina talk about how far she has come in her journey and all the places she has yet to go. We cannot wait to continue to see her flourish.
Ways to Engage: A huge theme in this episode is embracing discomfort. We’ve had other guests speak to this matter as well. How do you feel about embracing discomfort? Does it scare you or make you nervous? Is it something you’ve never thought about before? Tell us what you think about this week’s topic in the comments below!
Episode 4 - Self Awareness & Somatic Healing with Susan Gold
By Jessica Garrison
This week, Melissa had the opportunity to speak with Susan Gold, author of Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom. She shared with us the journey she took to publish her book and everything leading up to it. To open up about some of the most vulnerable memories she has to anyone who decides to pick up her book is a huge step in healing. Susan discussed the obstacles she faced while learning to embrace her layers and how she overcame them.
Similar to our last guest, Gill Tietz, Susan recalled how she used alcohol to cover up a lot of her emotions. It was easy for her to lie to those around her, as well as to herself. She would also participate in endurance-related sports to stay sane, but she realized later on that it wasn’t actually self-care to her; it was just something to keep her mind busy. After immense self-reflection, soul searching, and talk therapy, Susan was able to work towards a journey that featured her most authentic self.
Susan grew up in an abusive household that taught her to “tough it out.” It took a long time for her to realize that toughing everything out was not a normal response, and she had to unlearn this way of life. This belief was carried into her marriage. She shared with Melissa that, even though she knew things were over, she kept pushing those thoughts away to keep up with appearances. Eventually, she knew that to take care of her physical and emotional health, she had to become aware of her journey and learn that the word “no” is a sentence all on its own.
Despite supporting women in living unapologetically every day with the work she does, Susan isn’t always aware that she’s doing it, particularly in a corporate setting. In rooms where women were not typically vocal, Susan spoke her mind and asked questions, even if she was ignored. Her intuition and perseverance created an environment where other women felt they could do the same. She’s been told that she’s a “change-maker” and is tired of living in outdated, patriarchal systems. I have one thing to say about that: PREACH!
Susan’s why and values are more clear now than ever since she has been trusting her gut and is able to understand what she wants. It’s easier for her now to stop and take a deep breath when life is getting overwhelming and the vision becomes blurry. Women, in particular, are told to not trust themselves. We’re conditioned to think that we’re too dramatic, too paranoid, or too emotional. I can’t stress enough that if you have a gut feeling, you should listen to it. Your feelings are completely valid, even if others don’t think the same way.
Following what other people wanted her to do was easy for Susan, as it is easy for the rest of us to just do what other people tell us to do. However, it never fit right for Susan to do something blindly if it wasn’t what she wanted to do. This feeling was a prison cell around her that appeared inescapable. She eventually had to stop and say, “This doesn’t feel right.” To be able to overcome this, Susan had to take a look at her childhood self, someone whom she closed off from the world a long time ago. She grew to understand that she is a strong woman and she’s meant to share her experiences to help others.
Susan also described herself as a chameleon with these experiences. She could be whoever other people needed her to be; it’s a survival technique she picked up through childhood. It took a while for her to say, “This is who I am.” It isn’t easy to stand your ground the way she has, but finding her truth seems to be the most rewarding experience for Susan. The layers she used to push away are now embraced through new experiences along the journey.
Susan has discovered her authentic self with compassion and patience. She’s grateful to make a positive impact in people’s lives by sharing her story, and her journey, finding empowerment, and embracing her layers.
Ways to Engage: Susan’s self-reflection techniques helped her discover her authentic self, a journey that shows up in different ways for people. Name a situation where you lived out of someone else’s expectations rather than your own. How did it make you feel, and how would you handle things differently now?
Episode 3 - Embracing the Layers of a Sober-Powered Life with Gill Tietz
By Jessica Garrison
This week we’re joined by the Sober Powered Podcast founder, Gill Tietz. Gill used to work in a lab where she “expressed, purified, and characterized therapeutic proteins for research.” She’s since used her biochemistry background to help educate others about alcohol and works towards ending the stigma that surrounds it.
That stigma kept Gill feeling stuck in her situation. She was afraid of being judged or appearing as “not strong enough” to stop drinking. Despite the media tending to glorify drinking and alcoholism, Gill wants everyone to know it is not a strong person versus a weak person trait. People react to alcohol differently, and if you have a problem stopping, it doesn’t make you weak. Just like our self-care journeys, everyone has their own path to travel and some are more difficult than others.
When your work is your hobby like it is for Gill, it’s difficult to have boundaries set up. She used to be worried that setting boundaries would hurt other people's feelings. As a woman, you have to be careful as to not appear as a “bitch,” especially from a business standpoint. Words that come from a man may be seen as assertive or dominant, but the same words from a woman may be seen as bitchy or controlling. The “Swiftie” in me can’t help but think of Taylor Swift’s “The Man” when Melissa and Gill are talking about this. She just describes the contrast in comparisons so vividly, as does Gill.
Gill also felt the need for people to like her, and that adds to the reason why she had a difficult time setting boundaries. Without boundaries, she found that resentment and negative emotions would cloud her relationships. She’s still trying to be firm in setting her boundaries, but she’s already seen the benefit in her relationships with communicating her boundaries.
Gill talks a lot about taking care of her emotional health as much as her physical health on her own podcast. She’s discovered that by using other things to meet her needs, she won’t be successful in fulfilling her health either way. She provided a few examples, such as drinking or shopping. People tend to drink when they want to avoid certain feelings; they might be covered up for a little bit, but they won’t just go away. The same goes for covering up anxieties with a shopping spree. Sometimes it’s nice to buy yourself some new things, same as having a drink with a friend after a long day, but it won’t make the feelings disappear. Facing it is an important lesson that Gill has come to realize and shares with her audience.
Originally, Gill’s relationship with self-care included drinking. For example, after a long day of work, she would have a glass of wine, which is seemingly normal to most people. However, it was becoming a habit that she went to immediately whenever feeling stressed. This wasn’t taking care of herself at the core, though. Her moods would range from her being tired or cranky to having no patience. She didn’t know why she’d feel this way after having her “self-care” glass of wine. She’s finally started prioritizing herself, describing it as being on a “health kick.” One action she’s been taking towards this includes not checking her phone as soon as she wakes up. She realized it’s a source of stress because she feels the need to respond right away to those who are emailing her or she has to see trolls in her Instagram comments before the day even begins. This way, she can go for a walk and start the morning calm before diving right into the chaos.
Melissa and Gill have a lot in common when it comes to their why and their values: neither of them wants to lose track of their mission. It can be tempting to give in to what others want you to do in exchange for more money or publicity, but if it doesn’t align with their values, they can’t bring themselves to accept the offer. I think it’s quite an admirable quality to have, especially since they have a platform to help others, not to take advantage of them for a quick buck.
A roadblock for Gill has been her self-esteem, but she’s been learning to be kinder to herself and more gracious. She mentioned the advice that people give about talking to yourself like you’re talking to a friend, and that’s advice I have actually found to be effective. If I’m having a mental breakdown, yelling at myself doesn’t help. If I remain calm and supportive of what I’m feeling, it gives me better results. As Gill puts it, there are so many different versions of ourselves and we should appreciate all of our parts because it’s what makes us who we are.
Without self-care, boundaries, living out of her own expectations, and all the other aspects of F.E.E.L., Gill is not 100% herself. She’s found herself to be more accepting, understanding, and patient. Through her journey to sobriety and to taking better care of herself, Gill has learned to be more compassionate as well. The work she does is not only life-changing, but also life-saving. If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please reach out to some resources listed below.
Ways to Engage: What are some examples in the media where alcohol or alcoholism is glorified? Did they make you view alcoholics, your friends, or even yourself in a different way? Feel free to share your thoughts and any other topics that need to be embraced.
Resources:
Gill Tietz’s website: https://www.soberpowered.com
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: 1-800-662-4357 or 1-800-487-4889
American Addiction Centers: 1-888-451-9142
Episode 2 - The Multilayered Journey to Sexual Health with Fanny Leboulanger
By Jessica Garrison
Hold on tight for the newest episode of the F.E.E.L Podcast as we become comfortable with the uncomfortable. We have an international guest, Dr. Fanny Leboulanger, who comes to us from France. She is well-rounded in so many areas, providing her intelligence to the world of medicine, gynecology, and pleasure. I had never heard of an intimacy/pleasure counselor before and had no idea what the work entailed. But after hearing Fanny speak, I see just how important her work is.
Fanny described herself in med school and in her professional career as a “good girl.” She was at the top of her class and had everything society told her she needed: a good job, financial stability, and a man to come home to at the end of the day. Life was presenting her with mysteries that she couldn’t leave unsolved. She found that during her time as a gynecologist, too many women were coming in with issues like having pain in their body, although further examinations proved there was nothing wrong physically. She didn’t have answers to give them about why sex was painful or why they weren’t receiving the pleasure that so many others talk about. Since then, she has been dedicating her life to helping women feel pleasure and giving them the sexual freedom they deserve.
Med school made Fanny forget she was her own person, so she needed to find a good balance after she graduated. She allowed herself to reclaim pleasure (and reclaim the fact that she could give it to herself). She “would not accept what was unacceptable,” and she had to train herself to stick with those boundaries. The way she’s accomplished this is by trusting herself. As women, we’re constantly doubting ourselves, whether it be our feelings, actions, or intuition. No one knows us better than we know ourselves, and Fanny has seen the benefits of putting absolute trust in herself.
When asked about taking care of her emotional health as much as her physical health, Fanny noted that emotions are sensations that our brain sends to us. She said we need to give ourselves the space to release those emotions. If you’re angry and want to kick, kick. If you’re happy and want to dance, dance. Allow yourself to release what you feel on the inside, and express it through the outside. This energy can get stored up inside of us and cause a physical breakdown, which she found out through the grueling schedule of being a doctor.
Women are always coming to Fanny ashamed. They were ashamed of not feeling pleasure during sex, they were ashamed of not becoming aroused, and they were ashamed of their own bodies. She supports women by having these uncomfortable conversations with them and opening up about what she’s personally struggled with. As a counselor, she’s able to dig deeper into how to help women accomplish their goals, whatever they may be.
A word that kept coming up during this episode was consent. Even if you’re discussing sexual pleasure with yourself, the word consent is still in use. Fanny’s advice is to not rush yourself. If you’re worried or nervous about something intimate, whether it be touching yourself or looking at the reflection of your genitals, don’t force it. Do what makes you feel comfortable and what you’re ready for. It’s easy to compare yourself to someone else, even what they do in the privacy of their bedroom. Living out of her own expectations has proven to be an advantage in her life, even if people don’t agree. Sex, pleasure, and bodies are normal—there’s no reason to be ashamed of them.
Fanny was angry at herself at first for not embracing her layers; she wondered why she didn’t do this sooner. However, she realized that she had to learn the important lesson of letting things go first. Until then, she wouldn’t be able to completely let go of being who she used to be. She discovered pleasure, acknowledgment, and a state of curiosity. She reclaims her right to mess up because, at the end of the day, we’re all human. It’s not normal to expect people to be perfect—we all will mess up and make mistakes. The sooner we can accept this, the sooner we can let a lot of anger and resentment go.
It’s been a long journey for Fanny to come to the place she’s at now, but it’s been worth it. She understands who she is and has figured out why she’s here. She expressed that there is no “one size fits all” solution because we are all so different. Show up for yourself, heal yourself, and accept yourself, no matter how that may appear for you. By showing up for herself, she’s able to show up for others and provide the support that women need.
If you’re interested in hearing more from Fanny, feel free to visit her website and listen to her podcast!
Ways to Engage: What were your first thoughts when you heard that Fanny is an intimacy/pleasure coach? What did you think after reading the blog and listening to the episode? Have your views on female intimacy and pleasure changed? Let us know your thoughts about embracing the uncomfortable down below!
Episode 1 - Seeking Freedom with Lis Thomas
By Jessica Garrison
Welcome back to season 5 of the F.E.E.L Podcast! We’re so excited to be here and share the incredible stories we’ve been hearing all summer. Our first guest to kick things off is Lis Thomas, a women’s advocate, writer, and brand strategist. She’s been on an amazing journey over the years, and there is so much to learn from her during this episode.
When Melissa introduced Lis, she shared a quote that Lis wrote about self-love on the platform she founded, Womanhood Unwrapped: “Self-love isn’t about the destination; it’s about starting somewhere and continuing down a path of self-discovery — no destination needed!” She carries this down her road of self-care, and Lis has accepted that there’s no perfect starting place. Everyone is on their own journey and it looks different depending on each person.
Lis made the observation that boundaries haven’t been in many conversations until the last decade or so. They are so important to how we keep everything managed in our lives, and she has to remind herself of the personal rules she set. Lis asks herself questions such as, “is the boundary necessary? Will the boundary make the situation better? How can I set this boundary in a kind way?” I love that she mentioned the kindness aspect of setting boundaries because there’s never enough kindness in the world. When we hear the word boundary, it sounds harsh and even rude. In reality, it’s just a barrier you’re setting up for yourself, so there’s no reason to project negativity towards it.
Along with kindness, Lis makes room for humor in everyday life. Living in the moment and having a good time helps to keep her emotional health and physical health in check. When she was just 23, she was diagnosed with melanoma and it changed her world. Luckily, it was discovered early on, but Lis wanted to make sure it wouldn’t keep affecting her negatively. She goes to the dermatologist on a regular basis to keep her health in check, but she doesn’t let it weigh on her mind constantly. Otherwise, it would impact her emotional health despite her physical health being fine. She didn’t want the diagnosis to take over her life and hide her in fear. She continues to live happily and healthily, with both her physical health as well as her emotional health.
Lis already supports women every day through her platform Womanhood Unwrapped, and she expressed how relevant it is to support women in living unapologetically. Women learn how to say sorry from such a young age and continue to say sorry throughout their lives, even when they didn’t do anything wrong. She says she has to remind her daughter of this and allows her family to live in a world where they don’t have to apologize for everything and they can live as themselves authentically.
In Lis’s mind, there are 3 layers that women tend to have: the overarching blanket of society, a woman’s own upbringing, and a woman’s family and/or partner. No matter how you decide to express yourself or live your life, it’s important that you are in the driver’s seat, just as Lis says in this episode. When she had a dealbreaker, she stuck to it. She knew what she wanted and didn’t settle for less, which I think is such an admirable quality. It can be difficult to not do what other people want you to do or what other people expect, but it’s important to be happy in your own life.
In closing, Lis shared that she allows herself to feel whatever she is feeling and accept that it’s okay. She says, “Don’t minimize yourself—take up some space.” This quote from her is so powerful; women in particular are always making themselves smaller to allow someone else to feel bigger, especially men. However, there is enough room for everyone to feel what they want, and we don’t have to put ourselves in a box for others.
Lis was a perfect first guest for this new season; she leads the way for all of the other wonderful guests we have this Fall. She can live confidently and authentically knowing that she is who she is. Even though we’re all a work in progress, she has come a long way in her journey.
Ways to Engage: If you had to name three layers that women tend to have, what would they be? Societal? Personal? Let us know about your perspective of a woman’s complex layers in the comments down below!
Episode 11 - Embracing Our Multifaceted Identities with Jenna Madden
By Jessica Garrison
Welcome to the final blog of season four! We’ve had so many incredible, insightful guests this season, but I’m definitely partial to this one. Jenna Madden, who identifies as a nonbinary queer person, has been one of my best friends since high school, and I’m so thankful they accepted the invitation to be featured on an episode of our podcast. Even though Jenna is a year younger than me, they have always been someone I’ve looked up to and aspired to be more like.
Self care can seem really scary at first, especially if someone else seems to have the hang of it and you’re just learning. But for Jenna, self care is all about the basics and doing whatever makes them feel good. Whether it be a deep breathing exercise or taking a break to hydrate, Jenna says, “it’s important to nourish yourself.” They’re also a fan of playing the guitar, running, swimming, and playing soccer. Even if they aren’t necessarily the best at a certain activity, Jenna likes to let loose and finds peace in participating in anything that keeps them grounded.
When talking about boundaries, one word that Jenna mentioned was consent, and I don’t think there is a better word to fit this topic. Jenna provides the example that not everyone enjoys hugs, so it’s okay to tell someone you’re not comfortable with your space being violated. Even if something may seem small to you, it’s important to build the self confidence to trust your feelings and express them. Not everyone has the same level of comfort, and Jenna tries to motivate those around them to be aware that they have control over their own bodies.
Not only has the guitar helped Jenna understand the importance of self care, but it’s also helped them understand the connection between mental and physical health. Not only does listening to music comfort them mentally, but being able to physically play an instrument also helps to get out anxieties and frustrations. Jenna believes that therapy is for everyone but understands that not everyone may have the same resources as them. They provide other outlets, such as journaling or the Youper app, which guides you through therapy exercises to help calm anxiety.
Jenna is also a big believer in “your struggle is my struggle.” In their free time, Jenna enjoys advocating for others and spreading awareness around their community. So many groups are oppressed in our world, and we believe that everyone deserves the opportunity to experience joy and to live their life to the fullest.
Oppression and systems of power also influence the expectations we have of others and ourselves. I’ve never thought of this perspective before, but they’re absolutely right. Jenna says there’s no simple answer to living out of your own expectations because there are so many elements that can affect the way we see this. Even when it came to accepting themself, it was difficult for Jenna to come to terms with their queer identity because of all the expectations thrown their way, such as not dressing like a stereotypical queer person. Jenna says it was important to remind themself that “you know you the best,” and finding a sense of community has helped in so many ways.
Jenna spoke during the episode about their identity, and how multifaceted people are. You are more than just one thing at any given moment, and that’s why it’s so important for everyone to embrace their layers. I have always been a big believer in intersectional feminism because, like Jenna said, we are more than just one thing. We are more than just our race or religion or sexual orientation; every part of us is beautiful and deserves to be celebrated. Jenna credits their time at Barnard College for helping them understand the complexity of the world. There’s a freedom to dismantling the boxes that society tries to put us in by embracing your true self.
You will not be disappointed with Jenna’s episode. They have so much encouragement and wisdom to offer (I couldn’t possibly fit it all in one blog). Be sure to follow us on social media for posts and updates throughout the summer, and we’ll see you all in the fall!
Episode 10 - Clear Expectations with Chotsani Williams West
By Jessica Garrison
Our guest this week has quite the history with the F.E.E.L Podcast. Melissa connected with the original editor of the podcast, Valencia, through our guest, Chotsani Williams West. She is the Assistant Vice President of Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, & Belonging for Adelphi University, as well as an Adjunct Professor within the College of Arts & Sciences and the College of Education & Health Sciences. She is clearly an intelligent and accomplished individual, but like everyone else, Chotsani has had setbacks when it comes to her layers and living out F.E.E.L.
She shares that her self care routine needs “sprucing up,” but she still has a lot of helpful techniques in her current one. For example, she likes to have quiet moments in the car to listen to the birds and take the time to reflect upon her day. She’s been working diligently on her doctorate and can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s been a long road to travel. Stealing the moments for self care when she can has been essential for her mental health, and she has learned to not push self care back, even if that means penciling in time for yourself on the calendar to make sure you get the attention you deserve.
Boundaries have been flexible for Chotsani, and I think she brings great insight to the topic. By saying “no” when you want to, it makes the “yes” so much more special. It frees up time for what Chotsani wants to do, rather than her schedule being full of things she doesn’t really want to do. And “no” doesn’t always have to be a no with a period at the end of it, though sometimes it might be. Sometimes it can be “no for now, but maybe another time.” Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be as scary as it sounds, though it can be difficult at times to say no to those you really want to say yes to. However, in the long run, you’ll see how beneficial it can be to stick to the boundaries you’ve set and trust your instincts, just as Chotsani has.
Chotsani is very grateful for the women she has in her life and is surrounded by those who help straighten each other up. They support one another, even if they may not always have the time to pick up the phone and call. Even a text message of encouragement or a shared post between them helps them get through the day. It’s important to not only have these kinds of people in your life but to also allow yourself to fall back on them; supporting one another always feels good.
Coming back to her why is crucial to Chotsani. She says that if you don’t set this at the very beginning of your career and/or education, when things get blurry, you can easily lose direction. A strong foundation is important to make sure you’re on the track you want to be and act as a guiding point for making decisions. There’s always opportunities to learn about yourself, and maybe this will cause your why to change. As long as it’s true to who you are, then your why will always be important.
When Chotsani thinks about living out of her own expectations versus others’, she says, “accessibility is important; if people don’t think you’re accessible, it doesn’t lend itself to authentic, life changing conversations.” In her world, you have to be clear on not only how you engage with people, but also what expectations there are in the relationship. It’s easy for miscommunication to happen, so Chotsani clearly expresses what she expects and wants from a situation and allows others the opportunity to do the same.
Chotsani is a lover of dance, so she tends to look at her layers as such. You can’t always choreograph the dance—things come up unexpectedly in life. Sometimes there are moments where you know exactly which step you’ll be doing next and sometimes you have to improvise. There’s no right way or wrong way to discover and embrace your layers. Everyone has their own style and images of how they want their life to turn out, and Chotsani definitely has the elegance of a person dancing through life, even if she’s not sure which step is supposed to come next. Her authenticity throughout this episode was refreshing and personable, and I’m pleased we’re all able to hear her story.
Episode 9 - How to Live Well With Bipolar with Paris Prynkiewicz
By Jessica Garrison
Paris Prynkiewicz has been on an extraordinary journey in her life, from being misdiagnosed with depression at 16 years old to being hospitalized a few years later before finally being diagnosed properly. From there, she was able to treat the actual mental disorder she has and was able to get back to the life she wanted to live. As it turns out, Paris has bipolar I and, after being diagnosed, she was able to transform her life. She created the Live Well Bipolar podcast to help others who live with being bipolar, and she wants to spread the message to the world that there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Self care wasn’t really part of Paris’s life until she was 23 years old. She attended a personal development conference that helped her realize she wasn’t happy in her situation and needed a change. She began to cut things out of her life that didn’t align with what she truly wanted. She described that her changes started small, like visualizing what she wanted from each day. Now she can visualize what she wants in her future and how she can go about accomplishing those goals while taking proper care of herself.
Like so many of us, it was hard for Paris to say no at first. She worked two jobs and attended school full time before her proper diagnosis at 19 years old. Her psychiatrist thought she was fine because she could hold a job, had straight A’s in school, and was in a consistent relationship. He had no idea about her internal struggles and how she never valued herself. This is a great example of how you have no idea what’s going on in a person’s head, even if everything seems to be okay on the outside. She’s gotten better at recognizing stressors in her life, and those are things she’s able to confidently set a boundary against. She had quite a few negative influences in her life that tried to discourage her from starting her podcast and sharing her story, but she’s been able to block them out and continue with the work she knows is important.
Our talking point about taking care of your emotional health as much as your physical health really resonated with Paris because that was featured on the first episode of her podcast. She and Melissa were really meant to be! It makes so much sense to her that the two are intertwined, especially when she reflects on her past. Her mental health was the biggest block in her life, so to cope, she was reckless with her physical body. Once she was able to get control mentally, she looked at her physical health. Paris cut out alcohol, she eats in moderation, exercises regularly, and is working towards goals she creates. I’m happy to hear that Paris was able to heal not only her mental health, but physical health as well in her journey.
Living out of her own expectations rather than others is a challenging experience for Paris. People have this idea of what being bipolar is in their heads, like extreme mood swings or episodes of mania. However, it doesn’t show up the same way in each person, and Paris wants to share that with the world. She was worried about people looking at her differently once she shared her diagnosis, but she has since gained the confidence to speak out about her experiences. She’s able to coach other people through this, whether it be people in her life or people she meets through the podcast. It’s about what’s best for her, rather than what’s best for those around her and fitting into the mold they want her to fit in.
When it comes to embracing her layers and living out F.E.E.L, Paris has become clear on her thoughts. She doesn’t believe the old stories she used to tell herself, and she understands how to navigate through her life while living with bipolar I. She was used to abuse, whether it be from an ex or herself, but she’s since realized what a healthy relationship is: “When you finally get in front of something healthy, it’s foreign to you.” Paris advises everyone to learn from others who have overcome something like this and stay curious. It’s so incredible how she was able to understand her diagnosis and create something so positive out of it. She’s changing the world with her podcast and the way she shares her experiences. It isn’t easy to put yourself on the spot the way she does everyday, but her courage and intelligence does not go unnoticed.